


The Stars Can Shine Again - The Untold Story

by valentine192



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cheating, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Loki Has Issues, M/M, Possessive Thor, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-11 07:37:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2059551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valentine192/pseuds/valentine192
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two college students just trying to go on with life; Thor was happy with his, while Loki was trying ever so hard to leave the life he left behind. Nothing was supposed to come in between them, but love can move in such mysterious ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

+

Loki groaned and pushed his books towards Steve who was currently writing his paper on his laptop. "This is boring," said Loki.

"You're the one who wanted Psychology," said Steve as he never once left his eyes from his laptop. "Your family did push you on a degree, but at least you got your choice on which one."

"I don't want psychology, Steve. I don't like it at all. I'm doing it because it can help with my writing. Other than that, try reading this." Loki pulled a book from his laptop and pushed it to Steve. " _Denial of Death._ Try writing a paper about dying and about how it shouldn't be feared, and about how people fear it because we would be returning to the earth, and about how dying is connected to shit."

Steve stops writing and cocks a brow towards Loki. Loki has always been eccentric for him that Steve never knew what to expect. One moment, Loki would be cold and very proper, the next moment he would be casting tricks upon everyone. Steve, apparently, was usually one of the unlucky ones. One time, Loki, with the help of Tony, managed to convince Steve that Loki was dying of cancer that spread on his leg. Steve, being unaware of medical topics, spent the whole week slaving himself to Loki who, apparently, only had to go through a harmless leg surgery. Steve cursed Loki and Tony for their trick and vowed to never trust either of them. However, despite their mischievousness, Steve could never deny that the two were unbelievably smart in their interested field. So Steve looked at the book then shrugged. "There's a reason why I'm taking business."

"You plan on entering the military."

"But not now."

"You can get through college for free."

Steve sighed and leaned back on his chair. He, Loki, and their little group of friends never had issues with paying for college. Tony and Loki's family were old rich. Steve's family was promised support by the government because of the contribution of Steve's father and grandfather to the previous wars. It was the involvement of Steve's family in war that prompted Steve to be interested in it, but it was the very same thing that made the Rogers' convince Steve not to join it yet by stating that he "would not want to see your friends die." However, despite their blessings, they all ended up in community college. Loki because he was being practical and didn't want to get serious with the university life, Tony because he was rebelling, and Steve because he did not want to take advantage of the government's support.

"Why are you giving me that look?" asked Loki as he started playing on his cell phone. "It's bad to stare."

"Nothing," Steve shook his head. Loki sometimes say these things that made Steve think, and sometimes Steve believes that Loki's just manipulating him into doing something. So Steve returned to his laptop while Loki continued to read his reading material

Minutes later, Steve's phone that was on the table vibrated. Loki glanced, and Steve took the phone to his ear. Covering his mouth, he spoke to the caller. "Yeah, I'm here at the corner of the library. My friend's with me... Okay. See you." Steve placed his phone down and said, "My friend will be here soon. He borrowed my book."

Loki nodded and returned back to his book. However, a blond man caught his attention. The blond was looking around, a couple of books by his arm. Loki smirked noticing the man's muscular build. He was exactly his type, but then Loki shook his head. He was not fond of dating. Actually, he was not fond of serious relationships where he needed to trust someone.

As Loki was getting involved with the chapter that he was reading which was dwelling further into the topic of death, the blond man appeared right beside Steve. When Steve saw him, Steve stood up and gave the man a friendly embracing. He said, "Thor, it's been a while!

_Thor,_ Loki subtly smiled. _Such a peculiar yet interesting name._

"Yes, Steve, I've been busy. Here are your books," said Thor as he placed the books on the table.

"Oh, I forgot to introduce the two of you," Steve gestured towards Loki, "This is my friend and Tony's roommate, Loki. He's taking Psychology."

"Cool," said Thor, "I admire people there. They seem to have this power to read people's minds."

Loki laughed. Even if he has heard that countless times before, it sounded different coming from Thor's lips. He also noted that Thor had an accent. Just slight, though, and it was Australian. Loki stood up and reached his hand towards Thor who accepted. Their hands touched in a friendly handshake that made Loki want to pull Thor towards him. But he can't do that in the library and with a complete stranger. So, instead, he said, "How I wish that we could do that. I'm Loki."

"Interesting name. You English?"

And so Thor sat down with Steve and Loki for he still had time before his next class. Steve, who placed his earphones into his ears, concentrated on working on his paper while Loki and Thor continued to talk.

+

Thor arrived home from school and work late that night. He smelled of sushi, and he still laughed at how he was the only white boy in that Japanese restaurant. While he was not fond of stereotypes and cliques, Thor found it funny. As he parked his car in front of his townhouse, he smiled. Loki managed to affect him in a way that he could not understand. It was the same way that Jane, his girlfriend for a number of years, would make him feel. Thor looked at the side mirror and sighed. He missed Jane. That was probably why he enjoyed Loki's company, for Loki somehow filled the void that was created when Jane left for Georgia. Thor looked at his hand and the finger that sported a promise ring. Then, he took it off. He said to himself, "I probably would never see Loki again. Besides, I'm tired." Thor left the car and walked into the townhouse that he rented with his mom.

+

Both thought that they wouldn't see each other again for Thor was just an acquaintance of Steve. However, Thor and Loki saw each other frequently which surprised both of them. And so, after their surprise meetings that went on for a few months, they exchanged numbers. One day, Loki was walking to the music rooms of the college when he bumped into Thor who asked, "Where are you going? It's already late."

"Pianos," said Loki as he put his phone back in his pocket. "I regularly practice. I work as a pianist."

"I thought you were a writer?"

Loki shrugged. "That's my dream, Thor, to be an author. But I can't live without playing the piano. I've been playing since I was young. I'll die without it."

Thor smiled. "Then, can I hear you play? If you don't mind."

Loki, being confident in his abilities while at the same time wanting to please Thor, brought the blond to the piano rooms. At first, Loki played a soft ballad that he memorized by heart. Then, he played some classics. Thor, not being a fan of Mozart or Beethoven or Tchaikovsky, asked  for Loki to play another ballad. He even asked Loki to sing, but that Loki refused.

As the ballad played, Thor was enslaved. The tones danced upon the touch of Loki's fingers against the keys, and every note was special and daring, tender and filled with emotion. At that moment, Thor realized that he has definitely fallen for Loki.

Starting that very day, the two started a routine where they would go out every Monday night.

+

Loki sat on the sofa with Tony beside him. They were both watching a drama movie on the TV. Tony's legs were stretched and his feet rested on the coffee table. Loki's legs, however, were stretched on top of Tony's. It was something normal for them, they were roommates and they knew everything about one another. Loki's eyes were glued on the TV when, suddenly, the movie paused. Loki frowned and glared at Tony. "What?"

Tony put the remote control down and sighed. He pinched the bridge of his nose then said, "Are you and Thor official already?"

Loki shook his head. "I doubt I can do serious relationships, Tony, you know that."

"Yeah, you'll flirt and you'll get us men horny then you run away."

Loki glared harder at Tony. "We have already been through this, Tony."

"Yeah, did you tell him that you gave your roommate a blowjob? Then, when said roommate tried to take you seriously, you disappeared for a month."

"I have issues, okay? And I try to control myself. I just lost it during that time."

"And when you got back your control, you ran away. You have a weird definition of control."

Loki rolled his eyes. "Aren't you happy with your single life?"

"Very."

"Then stop."

"How many guys' _and_ girls' hearts did you break just last week? There was that girl. Cassandra right?"

Loki stood up from the sofa and walked to his room. Tony, guilty and not so guilty at the same time, shouted, "You need to get over your issues! You're going to break Thor's heart too!"

Loki, from the door of his room, glared at Tony. "We're just having fun. We're not even dating."

"Did you guys kiss?"

"I _don't_ kiss, remember?"

Tony smirked. "Yes. Steve thought that was weird. Anyways, did you guys flirt?"

Loki slammed the door shut.


	2. Runaway, babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything was going so well, but old habits are hard to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets kinda dirty here~ and, yet again, too busy to double check stuff so I just wrote this and posted XD Hope you guys still enjoy! Dirty shadows of the characters would come out here.

 

Monday. Thor picked Loki up from a cafe and they were both in Thor's car. Thor, driving, told Loki that they were going to go somewhere that would delight Loki, but Loki had to be in gym clothes. Loki, definitely, did not find the gym to be rather pleasing. So, with his arms crossed in front of his chest, his shades keeping his eyes safe from the sun that was just setting in front of them, frowned. "I don't like working out, Thor. I'm sure you could see that by now. When I do work out, it's forced and only because I want to keep this body. Other than that," Loki eyed Thor's arms, "I'm not so sure that we share the same passion for the gym."

Thor laughed. "For the nth time, Loki, no. I'm not bringing you to the gym. Steve told me that you'd love this."

Loki's groaned. "Either he was telling the truth, or he's getting revenge."

+

Loki stood in front of the entrance of the building and glared at Thor. "No," he said. "I am not getting in there and there is no way that I am going to shake my booty for anyone."

The sun had already set and the night sky was a great contrast to the flashing sign, "Flashdance," and Loki could already tell that he was going to go through hell. Thor, however, scratched his head. "This was the nearest dance studio, and we're not going to get a bucket of water to tumble against you. And Steve said that you enjoyed dancing."

Lok's head fell down low and he groaned even louder. He and his friends have been to a club a few times. The veteran among them was Tony, and to everyone's surprise, the baby of the club scene was Loki and not Steve. The first time they brought Loki to the club, Loki was awkward that Clint laughed at him. The second time, well, a girl approached Loki and brought Loki to the pole. Loki, in Tony's words, _danced his ass off and grinded against the girl like it was the end of the fucking world._ And, to top it off, Loki was not drunk yet. Since then, Loki's mood would change. Sometimes, he would be cold in the club. Sometimes, he would go crazy. Steve, apparently, believed that Loki enjoyed dancing. But, Loki has said it a million times already, he's a controlled guy and when he loses control, he does crazy things that he would regret. He would remember doing it, though, and he still has some control. He even had himself tested for any mental condition for it, but he, apparently, was cleared of everything. It's just his personality. Very controlled of everything. There's a kid inside of him, or even a teenager inside of him, that just wants to live. Adult Loki, which was Loki from the start, however, would not allow for it.

Thor stared at Loki. When he noticed that Loki has started to pale, he laughed and took Loki's hand. It was the first time their hands touched, and neither of them reacted to it for it felt natural. It was as if Loki's hand was meant to rest on Thor's. However, with the thought of dancing, Loki pulled his hand away and scowled. "I am _not_ dancing!"

Thor tried to convince Loki to dance because he _did_ want that booty to shake. When they entered, though, the only class that they were having that night was ballet. Loki laughed and Thor paled, and the places changed. It was Loki who wanted to dance and Thor would _never_ dance ballet. Just imagining his body in a pink tutu was enough to make him vomit. So, because of the surprise inconvenience, they both went out for dinner and Thor drove Loki back to his apartment. Loki didn't get out of the car yet, though, the two just sat in the car while in the parking lot. The moon was in front of them and it was shining heavenly down upon them. And since it was fall and winter was coming, Loki took a bet. "It's cold," he said. When Thor didn't react, Loki slowly laid his head upon Thor's shoulder. Somehow, it felt right. Loki smiled and Thor slowly turned to watch Loki.

Loki's dark hair fell tenderly against Loki's pale skin, and the thin lips were inviting. Thor wanted to know how it would feel against his, but he couldn't do that. He still had Jane. However, the more he met with Loki, the more he felt connected to the man. Also, having Loki against him made his body warm with such foreign feelings that he only once related to Jane.

So Thor imagined Jane on his shoulder. Brown hair and dark eyes, not midnight colored hair and emerald eyes. They were both different, but Thor knew who he was with. Jane. Not Loki. But Jane wasn't with him, and Loki was. He could enjoy the man for a bit more. It wouldn't get serious between them, he was sure. He would never leave Jane, especially for a man who also planned to leave the country after graduating.

Loki glanced up at Thor. Their gazes met and Thor found himself drowning in those beautiful green eyes. How could he deny himself the man in front of him? After all their dates, he could kiss him, right? And Jane would never find out. It will be a secret. A dirty, but treasured little secret. Thor started to move closer, his eyes closing in anticipation of finally having those thin lips for himself. Loki, who has always turned down every kiss that was begged of him, did not move. There was a reason why he always refused a kiss, but this one felt right. His eyes slowly fell and he, too, was blessed with the gift of darkness when his lips met Thor's. And so, he smiled. It was right. It was perfect. And, for the first time, he felt truly loved.

The kiss was simple, chaste but sweet. It was fast as well, for Thor quickly pulled away. An image of Jane flashed in his head and his guilt was gnawing him. However, when he opened his eyes and met Loki's, he realized that he could not control himself. He had to have more of Loki. So he pushed his lips against Loki's again in a more passionate, needy, meeting of lips. Loki gasped, but he soon relaxed. His arms, which were stiff on his sides, twitched. He knew that he had to move, so he wrapped his arms around Thor's neck, holding Thor close to him, silently begging the man to save him. And Thor pressed further, placing a hand behind Loki's head to tangle his fingers through the dark hair.

+

Loki entered the apartment with a grin on his face. He thought that Tony was already asleep, but he was wrong. Tony was in the kitchen eating some cereal while reading something from his iPad. Loki stared, and Tony laughed when he saw Loki. "Did something happen? You don't usually come in with a grin on your face. Actually, I take that back. You never grin."

"Shut up, Tony," Loki closed the door and walked over to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"It's midnight. You and Thor arrived at the parking lot at 10:30."

Loki glared at his roommate. "Were you spying on us?"

"No. I actually fell asleep and I woke up when someone _accidentally_ honked the car of their horn because of some rough make-out session."

Loki _accidentally_ slammed the pitched of water on the table in front of Tony.

"What?" Tony played with his cereal. "I'm happy that you actually learned how to kiss."

"Shut up." Loki took the pitcher of water to his room and slammed the door on Tony.

+

"Burger 911," Loki read the sign that was in front of him. It was Saturday morning, an unusual day for him to be with Thor because Thor would usually be working at that day, but Thor took the day off and made Loki take the night off because he played the piano at this restaurant every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. So he stood there with Thor that bright, yet cold Saturday morning. It was winter and Christmas was next week. Though Loki would not be going home to London - he both hated and loved that fact - Thor's brother would be coming from Chicago. Thor just wanted to spend an early Christmas with Loki.

"Yeah, Burger 911," Thor grinned, "My favorite burger joint."

"I hate burgers."

Thor pouted. "They have pasta."

"Now, pasta, I love."

"Also, my mother owns this place."

Loki turned to Thor. Was the man really going to introduce him to his mother?

"Excited to meet the beautiful woman who's the reason for this handsome face?" Thor grinned.

Loki laughed and Thor, honestly, fell even more for the British man in front of him because, seriously, how can a laugh sound so much like a graceful minuet? Thor would definitely don a pink tutu and dance around that laughter if he could hear more of it.

"Now, shall we?" asked Thor. Loki nodded, and so they both walked in. For both of them, especially Loki, they weren't official yet because they haven't exactly discussed the relationship. And, when Thor introduced Loki as his friend, Loki's little heart cracked. It was just small, though, because Loki understood. It was hard to have a relationship, and it was hard to trust your parents. But, actually, that was Loki's reasons. Thor never had a problem trusting his parents, especially his mother. The truth was, the mother knew Jane and was very fond of that woman.

That night was when Thor's brother arrived. As expected, Thor picked him up from LAX _with_ Loki. And, that night, Thor invited Loki into his townhouse and had dinner with Thor, Thor's mother, and Thor's brother. When the family skyped with Thor's father who was in Australia, Loki was there.

When the night ended, Thor drove Loki back home. As usual, they parked at the usual spot and stared at the moon for a while. Their hands were on Loki's lap, their fingers tightly intertwined against one another. Thor wasn't thinking. He was just enjoying the moment, relaxing underneath the winter moon while Loki's touch warmed him. Loki, however, was thinking. What were they? He needed to know, but he didn't know how to ask. The confident trickster, someone who seemed to be in control of everything, had a weakness, and that was love. He was scared to give his all, he was scared to trust, and he was starting to get scared of being around Thor. So he turned to Thor, but he looked away again when he saw how peaceful Thor looked in that cold air. He couldn't destroy that moment, and he didn't want to destroy what he had with Thor. Because if Thor didn't want to have a relationship just yet - maybe Thor had issues as well - it was okay. If Thor _did_ want a relationship, then that was what made Loki's blood stale. Could he possibly have something special? Will he allow himself that simple pleasure?

Thor tightened his grip on Loki's hand, and so Loki turned to look at Thor who then said, "Are you okay?"

Loki panicked, and so he retorted to what he knew best. "Of course," said he. He let go of Thor's hand and reached for his iTouch that was in his bag. He plugged it into Thor's car and played a slow, sensual love song. He looked at Thor through his lashes and said, "Celine Dion. She's amazing, don't you think so?"

Thor raised a brow. "Well, yeah. She is," he knew that something was going to happen, but he didn't want to expect. Throughout all the times when he was tempted to touch Loki, he stopped because he didn't want to disrespect the man. If Loki would initiate it, though, then he would gladly accept. So he prayed to every single god he knew that his imagination would come true.

Loki leaned towards Thor and placed his slender fingers against Thor's neck, tapping his nails gently against the tanned skin. He whispered to Thor's ear, "I'm very good with my hands, babe, Whenever I would play the piano, as my fingers would caress the keys, I would imagine that it was you."

Thor gulped. In his mind, he was screaming, "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!"

"Do you want to know how these fingers can..." Loki's fingers slid down Thor's chest, teasing the man, before it landed on Thor's belt, "play."

Thor moaned as he fought to keep his hands by his side. "Oh, yes, Loki, I just want to know if you want this. I don't want to scare you," he tried to look at Loki's eyes, but Loki was too entranced by Thor's crotch.

"Thor, I'm no woman, and you know how we men can be."

Thor licked his lips. Oh yes. He wanted this. But, no, he needed to control himself. So he pushed Loki away and said, "Wait! Loki, I might do something. When I get excited, I..."

"Lose control?"

"Yes!"

Loki smirked and moved closer to Thor so that he could teasingly graze his lips against Thor's. "What if I want you excited?"

And with that, Thor lost it. He cupped Loki's face and pushed their lips together. Loki moaned in surprise, and when Thor grabbed his ass, Loki gasped. His lips parted and Thor pushed his tongue within the moist cavern. Loki moaned again, and when he felt Thor's tongue push against his, he felt his own manhood push itself against his jeans. He thought that they would be taking it slow, but, apparently, excited Thor was excited indeed. And Loki, to Thor's surprise, enjoyed it rough. So Loki's bony hand went against Thor's crotch to play with the hardness as saliva trickled down his chin. Thor kneaded his butt cheeks, separating it with such force but resulting in barely anything because of the jeans that covered it. Apparently, excited Thor did not think much at all either, but excited Loki did. His hand that was on Thor's crotch moved upwards to rid Thor of his belt and to unbutton the jeans. Thor pulled away, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. His eyes were glazed with lust, and Loki's eyes mirrored that of sexual mischief. He was in control, and Thor enjoyed it. He has never seen Loki so raw and passionate before, aside from when he was playing the piano or writing, and Thor found it to be the sexiest thing ever.

Loki moved back towards the passenger seat. Thor pouted, thinking that Loki was not going to continue with it or that maybe Loki just wanted to tease. However, when Loki's head slowly descended down his crotch, his excitement grew tenfold. Loki pushed his cheek against Thor's hardness that Thor moaned. He was tempted to push his manhood against Loki's face, but he chanted to himself, "control, Thor, control."

"Is there something wrong, Thor?" Loki smirked as he rubbed his cheek against Thor's covered crotch. "Because I can tell you that there's something terribly wrong with me. I'm hungry for something," he placed a soft kiss against Thor's manhood that was hard against his face.

"Loki, I'm trying to control myself here."

"Let loose. Go crazy. It's just me." Loki bit the zipper and pulled it down. That sight hadened his manhood even more, and when Loki reached into his briefs, Thor bucked his hips into Loki's hands. Loki moaned. "Yummy. I'm so excited." He pulled Thor's manhood out and, without wasting a second, took it all in his mouth. Thor moaned. Loud.

"Loki, fucking shit! Suck it, babe."

Loki moaned, causing vibrations to dance against Thor's penis.

"Babe, I didn't think that you'd be like this. I always thought that you were so... so..." Thor's mind could not function anymore. His thoughts were all on Loki's mouth that was sucking him dry. He wanted to do more with it, wanted to grab Loki's hair and push him down to swallow everything. But no. Control. His lips parted as he gasped deeply as Loki's head started to bob. He could feel himself leaking already, and he could feel Loki's tongue swirling against him. If Loki wanted to play, he, too, wanted to play. He placed his left hand against Loki's head, his fingers threading against the soft strands. Loki moaned in glee and sucked harder, and Thor bucked his hips. Loki gagged for a second, but he enjoyed the feeling that he worked on Thor's manhood even harder. Thor bit his lower lip, his manhood growing even harder at the way Loki's lashes framed his closed eyes. Loki, no matter what he did, was beautiful. Thor's right hand moved to the small of Loki's back. He slowly moved his hand towards the button of Loki's jeans and unbuttoned it. Loki, who was too concentrated on Thor's manhood, did not notice what Thor was doing until his pants have been moved to his knees. Loki stopped. His knees were on the passenger seat, which meant that his ass was exposed to the window. Though it was already 1 in the morning and everyone was probably asleep, he didn't want to risk that. So he pulled away, but he soon fell back against Thor's lap when a finger started to tease his little opening. Loki closed his eyes and moaned, "Thor, please..."

"I'll be gentle." A finger entered Loki's entrance. Loki moaned loudly and one knee fell from the passenger seat. He was being stretched, and one finger was enough to make him succumb fully into the lust. From all of his relationships, never once did Loki move from oral sex because he knew himself. He knew that he would get lost in the feeling, and he knew that he was secretly a slave to lust.

"Thor..."

"Yes, Loki?"

Loki closed his eyes and squirmed against Thor's lap. It was uncomfortable being in that position since the gear shift was pushing against his stomach. However, he secretly enjoyed the pain. He was not ready to expose it to someone, but he could not turn back. He could not think anymore.

"Yes? I'm listening."

Loki could not open his eyes. His saliva has started to fall from the corner of his lips, and the moans were getting louder. He did not care anymore. He just wanted it. "Fuck me."

"I was going to say that I love it when people beg, I didn't expect that you'd beg already. Do you like this, babe?" his finger slowly pulled out before slowly pushing back in. Loki nodded, and it was Thor's time to smirk. "I'll be gentle, but then I'll take all of you. _All_ of you, however I want, Loki."

"Yes, please.... please."

+

The next day, when Tony woke up, Loki was not home yet. He tried to call Loki, but Loki didn't answer. He called Thor. Thor answered but he was not with Loki. So Tony worried, and Thor worried as well. Tony asked Thor, "What happened last night?"

"I introduced him to my family," said Thor.

"Not _that,"_ Tony sighed as if his question was not awkward at all. Well, he planned on it not to be awkward, but he had no choice. Loki only disappeared once, and that was after his steamy night with Tony. So Tony asked again, this time more specific. "Did you guys have sex? Anal. Oral. As long as it's sex."

Thor didn't answer.

"I'm serious!"

"Well... yes."

"Great," Tony sighed in frustration. "Just, great. Hey, if Loki doesn't show up for a while, it's normal. He'll be back when school starts, I'm sure. It's Christmas. You enjoy your time."

"Wait, what?"

"Loki needs alone time," Tony rolled his eyes as if Loki's complex personality was the easiest thing in the world. "Loki has trust issues, Thor. You'll get used to it. If you're a friend, he's okay. If you're more than a friend, trust issues make Loki go boom. Did you understand?"

Thor did not reply again.

"Listen, I tried to explain it as easily as I could, but it seems useless. Just don't expect Loki to call, text, or whatever, for some time. Expect to see his facebook deactivated as well. Bye, Thor."

When the call ended, Thor quickly checked facebook. When he didn't see Loki, he felt himself go numb. It was his fault, or, at least, he believed that it was his fault.


	3. A good memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was time for Loki to return

Loki sat on a rock facing the lake

 It was just three in the afternoon, but it was winter and it was cold. Not that cold, tho. Just a little, and thankful he was that he picked the right state to live in. Though he used to enjoy the cold when he was younger, he grew to despise it in the same way that he grew to despise everything else. His family. His home. Even himself. Loki sighed and wrapped his arms around his legs. He ran away. Again. Nobody knew where he was. His face book has been deactivated along with every other social media site he had. He didn't delete his Instagram, though, for he loved looking at the photos. His good memories. So Loki took his cellphone out and took a picture of the glistening sea. This could be a good memory. The day when he disappeared from Thor's life. Loki pushed his face to his knees and cry. Why must he always run away? Will the day come when he would overcome his fears? He hoped so.

From his hand, his cellphone rang. He was sure that no one was looking for him for everyone was aware of this habit of his. However, it wasn't his friends who texted him. It was Thor, and he was asking, "babe, how are you?" Loki didn't reply. For the whole week, he didn't answer any one of Thor's seventy nine calls, and he didn't answer any of Thor's one hundred and three text messages.

+

Thor sat on the sofa of the living room of his townhouse. His mother was spending some time with her friends, and his brother decided to go hang out with his own friends. So there he was. A movie playing in front of him. The lights dimmed. Beer and mojito on the coffee table. Jane's head on his lap. His fingers combing through Jane's hair as Jane sighed at drey scene playing in front of them.

That was how it was supposed to be. Him and Jane. Together. Not Jane in Georgia, and definitely not Loki on his lap. Like with Loki, being with Jane felt right. He loved Jane with all of his heart. He will never abandon her, and he even imagined a future with her. Because with her, they could have kids. And it wasn't because Thor was homophobic. Definitely no. His uncle was gay, and his parents have always told him that it was okay to love whoever he wanted. It was just because... he loves Jane. If Loki can evoke the same emotions that Jane was able to bring, it was just due to infatuation and nothing more. Loki was a beautiful man, after all. And he should be glad that Loki disappeared. But he glanced to the coffee table and eyed his cellphone, hoping that Loki would return at least one text message or one call. It's been two weeks. His brother was leaving in Twp days, and Jane in three. If Loki wouldn't reply, then Thor prayed that Loki would return when Jane left.

Thor gently rubbed his thumb on Jane's neck and said, "I love you."

Jane smiled and looked up at Thor. "I love you, too."

"I missed you while you were at Georgia. I was lonely without you." Thor knew that he lied.

+

As expected, Loki came back a few days before school started. And, as expected, he had already registered for his classes. And, as not expected, he still managed to appear at work during his disappearance. He would nnot reveal where he went, but Tony applauded his vanishing act, claiming that he was greater than Houdini himself. Loki rolled his eyes at Tony's attempt to compare him to a magician, but then he sat Tony down to talk about Thor. When Tony heard the number of messages and calls, his jaw dropped. Then, with much consideration and thought, he said "he's serious.'

Loki, however, was still living in his fears. He did not try to contact Thor who gave up on contacting him, too. However, both of them waited by their phones almost every day waiting for the other to call.

+

One day, when spring has finally arrived, Thor saw Steve at the school gym beating a poor punching bag. Thor laughed and walked over to Steve who stopped his exercise to smile at Thor.

"What's up?" Said Steve.

"Sup, man," said Thor as he sat down on the floor near Steve's feet.

"Haven't seen you in a while. Anything new?"

Thor shrugged. "Just wanted to ask about Loki."

Steve frowned and stared at the punching bag. Somehow, he wanted to imagine that it was Thor. He shook his head, though, and told himself that violence was never a solution. Then he laughed because he loved fighting and guns. So he turned to Thor and said, "how's Jane?"

Thor quickly stood up as his heart raced. "Did you tell him?" Because if Steve did, then he'll blame Steve for Loki disappearing.

"No, but, god, Thor, you don't know how much I want to. Loki's one of my best friends. I don't want to keep this a secret but you're the only guy he dated who lasted for more than a week and he seems so happy with you! Not even Tony lasted."

"His roommate?"

Steve blushed as he realized that Thor might not have known about it.

"Loki and Tony?" Thor grimaced. "What?"

"You have Jane, Thor! You cannot complain!"

Thor rolled his eyes. "Yeah. I have Jane. Loki's just nothing."

"What?" Steve glared at his friend. "Loki's one of my dearest friends, bro."

"He's a man. He can handle himself."

Steve's brow rose. "Really now? Tony told me that you guys had sex."

Thor stiffened, but he recovered and asked, "And? What of it?"

"That's why he disappeared, Thor. He does that all the time."

"Silly man with trust and abandonment issues. And the guy is taking psychology."

Steve grabbed Thor by his arm and pulled him close. "Are you insulting my friend, Thor?"

"What?" Thor laughed. "He slept with you, too, didn't he?"

A woman suddenly appeared beside them. Natasha. She was in her gym clothes but her red hair was flaring in the same way that her anger was. She poked a finger at Thor and said, " _I_ slept with him. Is there something wrong with it?"

Thor clicked his tongue. He was getting jealous, but at the same time he wasn't sure if it was jealousy or just possessiveness. He didn't love Loki. He was sure of that. Loki was only there to calm his boredom and loneliness. That was it. So he waved his hand and walked away, saying, "He's a needy bastard. Horniest man I've ever met."

Natasha, arms crossed in front of her, turned to Steve and asked, "That the guy Loki's dating?" Steve nodded, and Natashs smirked. "Douche bag."

"You didn't sleep with Loki, right?" asked Steve with a careful tone.

"Of course not. The guy's messed up when it comes to relationships. Besides, Clint would kill him."

Steve sighed in relief.

+

One night, as Tony and Loki were eating dinner, Loki couldn't stop staring at his cell phone. Tony frowned and took the phone away from Loki who glared at him. "Okay," said Tony, "spill it. I want the dirty details. It's been months."

Loki rolled his eyes and continued eating, but Tony kicked his leg. Loki hit back. Tony threatened to throw Loki's phone out the window. Loki finally gave in. He pushed his plate to the side and buried his face in his hands, his nails lightly scratching his forehead. "I lost control, Tony, again. My issues were resurfacing, and I grew desperate. I needed him, and so I gave it."

Tony swallowed the food in his mouth and placed Loki's phone in his pocket for safe keeping. "Loki, what do you mean? Did you grow desperate with me as well that's why you gave me a blowjob?"

Loki glared at Tony. "We had a deal to never speak of it again, Tony!"

"Fine. But I want a proper explanation because I couldn't understand you."

"I liked you, you know that, and you liked me. I enjoyed your company, and when I felt things start to spiral into something romantic, I threw myself into it. I was desperate to keep you. That's what I do, Tony." Loki shook his head and buried his face back in his hands. "That's why my relationships last only for a few weeks. I grow desperate, then I sleep with the person, but never did I go over oral sex."

Tony's eyes widened. Loki, however, didn't notice it. He just continued.

"It's my desperation that drives my sex drive, Tony. Then, when the deed's done, I realize what happened. And I ask myself if it was really me who was doing it, or if it was my shadow. With Thor, I thought that I could have a normal relationship so I tried so hard to control myself. But that little shadow soon gained control."

"Did you guys go all out?" Tony stood up and walked to the fridge to get some beer. He took four cans and placed two in front of Loki. When he sat back on his seat, he opened one of his and gulped. Even if he still had some slight feelings for Loki, he knew that they were just not meant to be. Apparently, living as roommates did not go well with the saying _time heals everything._ Well, it does, just very slowly. Besides, Tony definitely enjoyed the single life.

Loki reached for his beer and gulped half of it. He slammed it back on the table and slouched. Loki, prim and proper Loki, acting like an actual human being, was a rather amusing sight for Tony because, for once, Loki's walls were down. Loki looked at Tony with his broken green eyes and said, "We did. And I acted like a wanton whore. He probably thinks that I'm worse than the sluts out there. How can I even explain it to him that I don't have a sex addiction? It just happens when I like someone. And I ran away."

"But you thought that this could be normal, and you guys have been dating for months," said Tony. "How was the sex?"

"Rough. Very rough. Lots of dirty talk and whatnot."

"He wasn't gentle at all considering that it was your first time sleeping with him?"

Loki shook his head.

"He topped?"

Loki chugged his beer.

"That's a yes. More details, Mr. Psychology. I'm the psychologist today."

"You don't need to do that, Tony. I can evaluate myself." Loki placed his forehead against the dinner table and groaned. "Never was it gentle. He told me to _suck him hard_ and that he would _rip me into two._ The whole night he treated me like how I acted. Desperate. So he just acted in the way that I wanted him to act. Like a jerk who was too horny to think. When I told him that it was my first time doing _that,_ he didn't even believe me because of... desperation. To be treated like a rag doll feels as if I'm breaking, and it feels like a good release because I'm always too controlled. I always wanted to feel safe enough to be myself. I wanted someone to save me from myself and all these fears. So I believe that I need the roughness to break me, to make me cry because I want to cry." Loki looked up and chugged the other beer. Tony, whose eyes immediately widened, gave his beer to Loki and walked to the cupboard to take out the vodka, gin, and wine. He placed it on the table and took out some glasses. When he turned back to Loki, he was surprised to see Loki chugging the wine already. Tony wanted to laugh. Then Loki turned to him and said, "You can have the rest. Wine's my favorite."

"Of course, princess." Tony walked back to his seat and sat down in front of Loki. "Continue."

"Do you get it? I initiate the sex because I'm desperate to keep the person, and I act so wanton because I'm desperate to break my walls. After that, I run away because I feel guilty. As if I was a criminal. Then, I feel vulnerable and that feeling scares me. Guilt and fear, Tony, so I run. I thought that I could finally control myself. I'm wrong."

Tony mixed his beer with the vodka and asked, "Do you love him?"

Loki chugged the wine while ignoring the scorching feeling that was tickling his throat.

"That's a yes."

+

May. School's done and Loki finished his time with community college. With his grades and his reputation, plus considering the fact that he was in three honor societies, member of several different organizations plus the lead pianist of the whole school, he received full scholarship to Harvard. However, he declined for he wanted to stay nearby. He didn't want to leave his friends, nor did he want to go through change. He was happy, and that was the most important thing for him. And he enrolled in the same university as Steve and Tony (who got a scholarship to Yale but declined because he was still rebelling against his father - and this is why Steve would never understand them). Since it was summer, it only meant one thing for Loki: time to go back home to London. However, because of the orientation and whatnot, Loki managed to escape the vacation which he compared to hell.

Thor, like Loki and his friend, finished his time at the community college and so enrolled in a university which was different from Loki's. And his summer was spent the same way that it was spent the past five or so years: working.

+

One hot summer morning, Loki got bored. Usually, he would write when he had nothing to do, but he was bored. And Tony wasn't home. Tony was visiting his father somewhere. So Loki called his friends. When none were available, he cursed. He called his other friends. None were available. He cursed his work because his shift was at night and only three days a week. So Loki called his acquaintances, but ended the call before it could even ring. Loki was not a people person. He preferred being around certain people only, or he would prefer being alone. He was never shy, though, and he never honestly considered himself to be introverted. He knew how to network and had a vast web of connections everywhere. He could definitely charm people as well. And a lot of people knew him as he tried to be friendly. It's just that he only had a few select who he trusted enough to befriend. Aside from Tony, Steve, Natasha, Clint and Bruce, the other people who he talked to and who he went out with, were just people who he considered as acquaintances.

Loki groaned and tried to read a book which he bought a week ago. As he plopped on his bed, he smiled. Finally, something that he could do to ease his boredom. Though he was itching to talk to someone, he could always befriend the characters in his book. It will be just him and the words who would be dancing for the day. Loki leaned on the head rest of the bed and stretched his legs comfortably against the bed. He opened the book and easily became lost in its words.

That night, with a plate of salad and tea on his desk side table as his stereo played some classical music, Loki placed the book on his lap and took off his reading glasses. He's been through three books, and it was only then that he realized that half of the books in his bookshelf have not been read yet. He had a tendency to splurge his money at the bookstore but he never had the time to read all of it. Well, it was finally summer and he could spend his days doing just that. It was time to read some stories instead of studies. Loki stretched his arms in the air and stretched. He reached for his tea and slowly sipped it. The smile on his face grew wider. The taste of the Early Grey was always so delightful. He took another sip and placed the cup on the table. It was then that his phone lit up (motion sensor), indicating that there were some notifications. Loki reached for his salad and activated his phone through his voice (and how Loki loved his phone that was voice activated for everything). Loki asked for the notifications and the phone started.

"Good day, Loki, the time is eight thirty nine pm. Apps have been updated... You received an email from... Facebook notification... Instagram notification... You received a text message from Thor. It says, "Hi, Loki.""

Loki almost dropped his salad. He placed the plate by his thigh and reached for his phone to make sure that his phone was not playing jokes. When he saw the text message, he gulped. He was thinking if he should reply, and what should he reply? Should he say this? Should he say that? Should she say what's in his mind? Loki bit his lower lip. After a few minutes of thought, he decided to say what was on his mind which was just a simple, "Hi, Thor." He wanted to ask how Thor has been and whatnot, but he didn't want to become desperate. Loki almost hit his own head. He decided to be himself but he was thinking too much again. Loki groaned, but he quickly received a reply from Thor.

"I miss you. How've you been?"

Loki smiled. Instead of texting, he called, and they talked until one in the morning as both were too busy catching up with each other while drowning in the other's voice. Neither mentioned their steamy night together;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not much said about where Loki went to and whatnot, but it'll be explained in the following chapters :)


	4. Guilt works in mysterious ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor's guilty but he couldn't stop; Steve's guilty but he didn't know how to begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The workings of the mind is such a complicated thing to behold

Loki and Thor quickly eased back into their usual routine. Monday date nights with the occasional make-out session. However, it never passed that. Never did Loki try to seduce Thor again, and never did Thor even try to push it further. Somehow, both were afraid that something might happen.

One night, Thor was at the bar with some of his friends. They were all drinking and their boisterous laughter echoed loudly within the dark place. Then, Thor admitted it to his friends. "I cannot do this anymore!" Thor punched the table that Hogun grabbed all the beers that he could reach that almost fell. Fandral stared at Thor and Volstagg cocked a brow. Sif, the only woman who managed to survived this little group of friends, laughed. Thor glared at her and asked, "What are you laughing about?"

Sif chugged her beer and said, "You have been glaring at your phone for months, then suddenly you can't help but glance at it every second with a hopeful look on your face. What's up with you and Jane?"

Thor shifted, his gaze burning the beer in front of him. "It's not Jane. There's... someone else."

Volstagg's eyes widened and Hogun just took another beer from the bucket in the middle of the table. And Fandral smirked. "Who's the lucky lady?"

"It's... a man," said Thor.

The friends looked at each other and laughed. Thor, who was honestly rather bewildered, stared at his friends. "Thor," Sif started, "we don't give a flying fuck if you start fucking guys. I'm sure Fandral would be happy to try you out if you're looking for experience."

They all laughed and Fandral joked, saying, "Only if I'm on top!"

Thor rolled his eyes. "I'm serious," he said.

"We're serious, too," said Volstagg. "We don't care. It's a new world. We don't live in the fucking 17th century anymore."

"It's not that I'm worried about," said Thor as he rubbed his temple. "My family knows that I'm bi and they're very much open to it."

"Then what?" asked Hogun. "Don't tell me that you're cheating with Jane on a guy?"

Thor pursed his lips and hid his face. The noise from his table suddenly went away, and the loud laughter quickly died. Fandral, the first to recover, moved closer to Thor. With a careful tone, he said, "No. Fucking. Way."

Sif shook her head. "If my boyfriend cheated on me with a guy, I'll be devastated."

Volstagg raised his beer. "Same here. I mean, how do you compete with someone who's... not the same sex as you?"

"Sex!" Fandral shouted. "Did you guys have sex already?"

Thor hid his face behind his hands and groaned.

"That's a yes, people," said Fandral. "Now, how long have you been hiding this affair from us?"

"We just started talking again but we started last year."

Hogun clicked his tongue and Sif glared at Thor. "You keep secrets like this from us?"

Thor rolled his eyes. "Can't I have a decent conversation with you guys? I'm troubled here!"

"Why is that?" asked Volstagg. "You love him already?"

Thor slammed his head on the table. HIs friends laughed and Sif shouted, "That's a yes, people!"

+

Thor arrived home rather late that night. Precisely 5:12am, and Thor knew it because he stared at his phone the moment that Hogun, the designated driver, dropped him off. When Thor reached his room, he took his shirt off and closed the curtains to keep himself hidden from the outside world who he felt was criticizing him for his numerous mistakes. One of which was falling in love with Loki.

Thor groaned and fell on his bed. The sun was already up and so there was no need to turn on the lights, and the little darkness was needed. He wanted to feel as if he was hiding because it felt so unnerving to be so exposed. Thor rolled to his side and took his phone out. He went through the text messages and smiled at all the silly messages he exchanged with Loki. Then, he went through his phone's gallery. In the older archives, and in the times that Jane visited, were pictures of Jane. However, most of the gallery has been occupied by Loki already. There was a picture of Loki who was seating on the passenger seat while watching the view, another picture where Thor finally convinced Loki to dance, another picture when they were eating Indian food and Thor had to force Loki to finish his meal, another picture where Loki was reading, another picture where Loki was playing the piano, and more. And there was a picture of the two of them kissing.

A notification came to Thor's phone, and Thor read, "A text message from Loki: _Babe, I know that I promised to be with you today,  but something came up. Sorry. And I know you probably have a hangover right now so stay in bed._ "

A broken smile spread across Thor's face. That word, _babe,_ was what he called Jane but, somehow, it felt more natural for him to say that to Loki

Thor shook his head. He wondered why Loki was awake, but then he remembered that Loki was to play somewhere he forgot that morning. Freelance, Thor adored that word for its freedom but he also cursed it because it meant that Loki would suddenly get work or would suddenly be free for the week. Inconsistent, just like both of them. Or, more likely, he and Loki were consistent in their issues and secrets.

Thor pushed the back button and saw his wallpaper. Since when had Loki been his wallpaper? Where was Jane? Thor groaned and pushed his phone to the side. Rolling onto his back, he stared at the ceiling and thought.

At first, he found Loki to be entertaining and a friend. But they started hanging out more and he was aware that he and Loki were falling for each other. However, he didn't stop it. He didn't even tell Loki about Jane. In some way, he believed that a part of himself made sure of that because he never even spoke of Jane before he realized his little crush on the English lad. Maybe it was destiny? Fuck no. Thor laughed at that thought. That was impossible, but Jane often spoke of destiny and whatnot. So what was it that was destined for them?

Then Thor started to become attracted to Loki. The way Loki would speak with that exquisite tone of his, the way Loki would look with those glorious emerald eyes, the way Loki would smile with those fascinating lips, the way Loki would play the piano with his slim arms, and the way Loki would dance (Thor considered that night he managed to convince Loki to dance as a great victory). It wasn't that Thor was attracted to what was in between Loki's legs, but Thor was attracted to everything Loki. Then Loki started flirting, and Thor flirted back. They started holding hands and they took things excruciatingly slow. And the more Thor fell, the more Thor became confused. He loved Jane, he was sure of that. He would never betray her either, and so he blamed his hormones. What he had for Loki was just a basic, animalistic need. Right? Or that was what he told himself for when he kissed Loki, he didn't feel like a dog in heat. No, he felt like a man in need of something that he couldn't quite comprehend.

And _that_ night. Thor covered his eyes with his arms and loudly groaned as he kicked the mattress beneath him. They did it in his fucking car. He didn't even bring Loki to a bed. And, that night, all his words finally hit him because he told himself, "I don't like Loki in any romantic way whatsoever." Why? Because of how he took Loki. It was like an animal, like a tiger hungry for the kill. There was nothing romantic. He told Loki to _suck him,_ told Loki to _beg for it,_ told Loki to _stay that horny because that's how he should be -_ writhing beneath Thor with lust. When Thor went home that night, though, he felt horrible. He realized that he acted that way not because he didn't care, but because he was trying to convince himself that he didn't. And that talk with Steve. God. Thor hated that talk. He spoke of things that he didn't mean. He spoke of things that he was trying to convince himself because he loved Jane. They have been together for years and have known each other since they were children. Jane was his first love, his first kiss, his first everything. Jane held him when he cried, and Jane pulled him up when he fell. He loved her, he was sure of that, but he was falling for Loki and he was sure of that as well. But there could only be one, and he would pick Jane. There was  a difference of wanting and needing someone. He wanted Loki, but he needed Jane.

But Loki disappeared. Thor panicked. He thought that Loki might have known, but then he thought that he hurt Loki. He even asked if Loki was testing him. Was he? He didn't know. All he knew was that he was ready to look throughout the whole state just to look for Loki, but Jane arrived from Georgia so he couldn't possibly leave her. Despite that voice in his head, he stayed. And as Jane, when they met after months of being apart, wrapped her arms around him, Thor smiled. He told himself that destiny was trying to make things right. Loki was gone. Jane was there. That was how it should be. However, during the mornings after he made love to Jane, he would think of Loki.

Was it, honestly, possible to love two people? Because months passed. Thor thought that life was back to its right path, but he couldn't stop thinking of Loki. He wondered if Loki came back, he wondered if Loki still smiled the same way. It was Loki, Loki, Loki. And so Thor cracked. He visited the restaurant where Loki played during Fridays and saw Loki playing. Thor didn't enter the restaurant in fear of getting caught, but he did watch Loki from the outside and he waited until the restaurant closed, and he waited until Loki walked out of the building to walk home. Thor was tempted to run to him, but he was so scared that he just stood still and watched Loki leave.

That made him feel helpless, and he spent nights getting drunk after work. Then, he texted Loki and their routine soon returned. It felt right, but there was Jane. While he talked to Loki, he texted with Jane. While he called Jane, he would chat with Loki.

Thor has never felt so lost in his whole life.

+

Loki sat with his friends in the table of the cafeteria. They were all eating and Loki was going through his Instagram. Tony, who was beside Loki, called him obsessed but Loki could care less. He barely posted on Instagram, he just enjoyed stalking people. He also wondered often, though, why Thor didn't have one because he remembered that Steve once said that Thor did. Loki also wondered why Thor didn't have Facebook because everyone had Facebook. So Loki looked at Steve who was sitting in front of him and asked, "Does Thor have Facebook?"

Steve stopped chewing. The truth: yes. Why couldn't he say it: Thor made him promise. However, could Steve continue doing this? Watching this forbidden romance and this betrayal slowly unfold in front of him. It was breaking him, but it was going to break Loki even more.

"Steve?" Clint nudged the blond man. "You're staring as if someone just broke your heart."

Steve swallowed as everyone stared at him with such questioning eyes. He wanted to say, "It's not my heart's that going to break," but he smiled and told Loki, "He doesn't." Loki nodded and returned to his phone. Steve knew that what he was doing was wrong, but he didn't want to hurt Loki. He also didn't want the charade to continue. Beside him, Clint rubbed intertwined his fingers with Natasha. Natasha, who was always so stoic, leaned closer to Clint. Steve wondered how they were in private, if they were more touchy or if they weren't. Natasha had her issues, that much everyone knew. Then Clint started to tell a funny story about what happened in his business class. While everyone paid attention, Steve didn't. However, he heard Clint say the word, "friend," and Steve gasped thus bringing all the attention back on him.

"Steve?" said Tony, "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Steve quickly said.

"I don't think so," said Loki. "I have this gut feeling that it isn't."

"It is!" Steve defensively said. "I just got an idea. Thor and you aren't official yet, right?"

"We haven't talked about it yet so I guess no," answered Loki. "Why?"

"You want the two of you to be official?"

Loki, pale as he was, paled. He has never been in a committed relationship. It frightened him, but he wanted to try. He wanted to get over his issues. He wanted to be normal, like everyone else. He wanted a normal love story, not one that came from a novel or movie.

Tony, who knew Loki the most, answered for Loki. "That, my friends, is a yes."

"Then let's try to make you two be more closer to each other. Let's all have a party at my place-"

Clint interrupted Steve, "You live with your parents and your grandfather. Your dad and grandfather are veterans who could shoot us if we dare become drunk and ruin your precious World War Two memorabilia."

"And didn't your family put a no party rule at your house?" asked Natasha.

Steve cursed the couple, his family, and himself. "How about karaoke? Thor's friends and us."

Loki _never_ enjoyed karaoke. For him, it was a gathering of drunk people who had broken dreams of becoming pop stars thus shattering the ear drums of everyone in the vicinity. However, Tony adored the thought of pretending to be a pop star. So he slapped his hand on the table and shouted, "That's a yes!"

Loki glared at Tony and Steve quickly started to plan.

+

Thor's house. Thor's room. Thor's bed. That was where Loki was sitting. He has visited Thor's room before so it was nothing. However, they had their lips on one another again. Thor was on his back while Loki sat on his hips, their tongues dancing against one another. The curtains were closed and the lights have been dimmed. Thor's mother was in the house so they had to be quiet, but Thor didn't like the silence that he was squeezing Loki's waist. He wanted Loki, but he didn't want the sex anymore if it meant that Loki would run away again. So when Loki bucked his hips against Thor, Thor pushed him away. Loki looked at him with questions running in his eyes. If Loki only knew how much Thor wanted him naked and beneath him, then maybe Loki wouldn't look at him in such a way. However, he had to be careful, and he didn't want to lie about this one. So he sighed and threaded his fingers through Loki's hair. He told him, "I want this to be special, Loki. The last time, I think I scared you. If I were to be honest, I think that that was why you disappeared."

Loki sadly frowned. There were too many secrets frolicking in his head, secrets that he wanted to scream, secrets that everyone but Thor knew. Why? He considered Thor to be special, and so he wanted to take his time and build his trust with Thor before giving Thor another part of him.

"Loki?"

"I just feel guilty, Thor." Loki moved to sit by Thor's head. He leaned on the bed's headrest and embraced himself. Quietly, he confessed, "My issues are getting in between us." Loki, in all honesty, wanted to cry and he _never_ cried. Maybe because he felt vulnerable when around Thor and that was the feeling that he gravely needed.

Thor moved until his head was on Loki's lap. He placed his hand on Loki's knee and gently squeezed it. "Don't feel bad, babe."

"And, Thor?"

"Yes?"

"Steve wants us to go out next Saturday night."

Thor moved so that he could look up at Loki. "Saturday night? Don't you have work?"

"Tony made me take the night off."

"Oh. Well, okay. I have work, though, so I'll follow. What are you guys planning to do?"

"Karaoke."

Thor grinned. "Cool."

"Ugh..." Loki rolled his eyes. "Drunkards."

Thor laughed. "Not all of those in karaoke are alcoholics, babe."

Loki poked Thor's chest. " _You_ are."

Thor placed his hands on his stomach and closed his eyes. Being that close to Loki felt so right. Even if neither of them spoke, it felt as if they were floating in paradise. Just him and Loki. It was special.

"Thor, invite your friends."

That paradise quickly disappeared. Thor's eyes opened and he stared at Loki. " _My_ friends?"

"Yes. You never introduced me to them but you already brought me to your family. Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

Thor, who knew Loki too well, found a quick answer that it seemed as if he was not nervous at all. "My friends are stupid drunkards, Loki. You sure?"

Loki ran his gentle fingers down Thor's cheek feeling the rough stubble against his soft skin. He said, "I do."

Thor smiled and placed his hand against Loki's. "Then I'll bring them. For you."

Loki smiled, and Thor closed his eyes again. He enjoyed it when it was just him and Loki because Loki was different with him. One of the differences was the way he smiled. Whenever people were around, Loki would smile in that mischievous way or he would smile so subtly that hardly anyone could catch it. When it was just the two of them, Loki smiled more genuinely.

+

Friday night, Thor told Loki that his friends couldn't come because they had a project to do for a class. Loki asked Thor if he, too, needed to help. Thor told him that it was all good because he finished his part because he wanted to be with Loki that Saturday night. While it was true that they had a project, that project wasn't due that yet. Also, Thor never mentioned Saturday night to his friends.

+

The night was dark and Thor smelled of sushi. He stood in front of the karaoke place, his work clothes already off as he changed his clothes. He even choked himself with cologne to hide the smell of sushi. However, that wasn't what he was worried about. The karaoke place was Korean, he was in Korea town, there would be soju and more alcohol inside the building, they rented a private room, Loki was inside waiting for him, and Loki's friends were there as well. So what was the problem?


	5. We need to talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor gets jealous, and things happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing against Australians. I love them. My boyfriend is Australian I just needed to say what is said (in this chapter) to get the story going~ Yet again, I love Australia. Especially Melbourne. Such a beautiful city. Also, I didn't do any proofreading so excuse any mistakes ^^ Love you

When Thor opened the door, he saw the problem right there at the corner. Drunk. Clingy. And begging for Thor to kill him. Thor's eye twitched, and Tony laughed, and Loki wickedly smiled.

"Thor," said Loki as he sat at the corner. "Excuse this. Steve got a bit drunk."

Bit drunk? Thor wanted to scream. Steve's head was on Loki's lap, his arms around Loki's waist, and his face close to that special region that Thor already claimed as his. But he couldn't possibly create a scene in front of everyone. These were Loki's friends who he has met before, except for the guy at the other corner.

"Oh, hi," said the man when he noticed Thor staring. "I'm Bruce. I just got back from New Zealand. You're Thor right?"

"Yes!" Steve suddenly bolted up. His cheeks were a beet red and his eyes have followed that color. He drunkenly pointed at Thor and said, "he's from Australia! Where's your friends? Loki said that they couldn't come. Liar!"

Natasha stared at Steve. While she didn't know of Jane, she heard Thor insult Loki, and she could see that Steve's hiding a secret of Thor's that's killing him internally. Steve stood up, his legs wobbling that he fell back on Loki's lap.

Loki groaned. "I'm not overly fond with you being all over me, Steve."

Steve, however, ignored Loki and stood up again. "You have other friends!" Shouted Steve. "Where are they?"

Thor frowned. He wanted Steve to shut up. He wasn't sure if getting drunk was part of Steve's plan, but drunk Steve had a higher chance of revealing the truth than sober Steve.

"When you first came here, how old were you?" Asked Steve as I'd he was interrogating Thor.

"Steve," Bruce started, "you're drunk. You shouldn't have chugged all that soju."

"But I needed to or else I wouldn't have the guts to do this!"

"Do what? Play cops and robbers?" Asked Clint whose arm was around Natasha's.

"No!" Steve pointed a finger towards Thor. "You were twelve when you first came here! You refused to accepet America as your home! You kept that stupid Australian accent, surrounded your room with koalas, and what else? Who was your first friend here, Thor?"

Thor pushed his hands into his pockets and fisted it. If Steve were to reveal his secret, then he was ready to bring Steve to the back alley.

"Steve, hello?" said Tony through the mic as the song stopped playing. "You're drunk."

"Because I couldn't do this while I'm sober! Loki!" Steve sat beside the English man and wrapped his arms around Loki's neck and bursting his face against the crook of the man's neck and shoulder. Loki, who looked horrified, rolled his eyes. And Steve cried, "I'm sorry!"

Everyone stared at Steve who has never been drunk before. Clint, however, laughed. And Thor, well, he wanted to pull Steve off of Loki. Natasha, her eyes drifting from Steve to Thor, cracked a very subtle smile. Tony, who still had the mic, tossed it to Bruce and said, "how do you deal with drunks?"

"Shouldn't you be the expert on that?" said Bruce as he looked through some songs on the songbook.

"I told you that this wouldn't be a good idea," said Loki who embraced Steve and tried to comfort the guilty man. Thor frowned even deeper, that is until Loki asked him to sit down beside him. For a small mmoment, Thor's face lightened. When he sat down, tho, he frowned again because he was so close to Loki and so close to Steve.

"Baby, do you want me to get Steve for you?" Asked Thor.

"No!" Shouted Steve. "I don't like you!"

Loki rolled his eyes, Clint laughed, Natasha smirked, Bruce scratched the back of his head, Tony took out his phone and pressed "record." And Thor leaned back and crossed his arms in front of his chest while glaring at Steve. He wanted to say that he didn't enjoy sharing and that he was the jealous type. But if he said that out loud, then Steve might remember "the mission" and reveal everything. And it was at that moment that he remembered that Loki had a small affair with tony that he glared at the man recording them. While Thor couldn't get angry at Steve, he could definitely get angry at Tony. So he pointed a finger towards Tony's direction and shouted, "turn that fucking phone off you cheeky bastard!"

Tony did put the phone down, but he gave Thor a puzzled look until he realized why Thor called him cheeky. He asked, "did Loki just tell you now? In case you want to punch me for touching your man because you won't hit a drunk dude, he slept with Bruce, too."

A fight was going to happen, Loki was sure of that and even if he was in the middle of the affairs, he managed to smile. The fight was just rather entertaining to him and, honestly, he had a sadistic sense of humor and he enjoyed tricks and mischief. Thor, however, didn't. He glared at Bruce whose eyes widened in just slight surprise. Apparently, Bruce wasn't as fazed as Thor wanted. He just said, "We didn't go all out. Also, I don't think you know who you are dating if you are so shocked at finding this out."

Clint took his beer and said, "This beats those afternoon dramas."

Natasha cocked a brow. "It's real life."

Bruce then said, "How long have you guys been dating?"

"I don't know," Thor looked at Loki. "Just how long, Loki? Do you sleep with all of your other friends?"

Loki, surely, was not scared. He was utterly amused. "Do you want the list?"

Tony and Clint laughed. Steve, who fell asleep despite the noise, started snoring. Natasha stayed quiet. Bruce looked down at the songbook and shook his head. Just how did he manage to get involved with this group of people? They were all different and he, Bruce, just wanted to have a quiet and peaceful life. Maybe that was why he celebrated when he got invited to study abroad on a special year long program, it would mean that he would be away from these friends of his. Even if he loved them and would travel the whole world for them, he needed peace, too. Being around his friends, especially Tony, was too exciting for him to handle.

Hearing Steve snore, Thor took it as a sign that it was finally safe to be angry. He stood up, towering above Loki who still did not look scared. With his hand shaking, he said, "We need to talk, Loki. Now."

"What if I don't want to leave?" asked Loki. "I like being with my friends."

" _NOW."_

Natasha looked amused. From insulting Loki to actually being possessive, Natasha was taking notes on this guy named Thor. Clint whispered something to Natasha's ear. When Natasha whispered back, Clint frowned. Natasha told him about the douche bag who Loki was dating, it's just that Clint, who has met Thor before, did not know that it was Thor. Tony sat beside Bruce and patted the man's back. Bruce rolled his eyes and said, "Good thing he didn't date us at the same time."

Thor pointed a finger at Bruce and shouted, "Be quiet!"

Loki finally showed some fear. Not for himself but for Bruce. So he pushed Steve aside and stood up. Steve embraced the pillow beside him and Loki snarled at Thor. "You don't treat my friends like that, Thor."

"Then let us talk!"

"Fine!" Loki took his wallet from the table and turned to Tony. "Pay for me. I'll pay you back."

Tony winked. "Sure thing, princess."

And Thor saw that wink; and Thor was not happy with that wink. He took Loki by the wrist and pulled him out of the room and through the lobby where people stared at him. One of the bouncers stood up, ready to manhandle Thor, but Thor walked directly to the door where the bouncer was standing with another bouncer. Thor told them, "We're leaving. Don't get alarmed."

"Look, man," said the standing bouncer, "even if you leave, we can't let you just harm another guy."

Loki rolled his eyes. "It's okay. My friends know my contact information and I doubt that this man would hurt someone who's the grandson of one of the biggest leaders of the UN."

Thor turned with a surprised look. He was sure that Loki was lying, but Loki looked serious. Loki enjoyed tricks, though, so Thor said, "Stop lying."

"I'm not lying," said Loki. "I never told you about it but you can ask Tony. That's how I know him. My grandfather knows his father."

Thor tightened his grip on Loki's wrist but Loki dared not to wince. Instead, Thor just pulled Loki out of the karaoke. Loki, who managed to keep his face stoic, told the bouncers, "It'll be okay! He's just jealous!"

The bouncer shouted back, "Call 911!"

+

Thor brought Loki to his car which was parked at the corner right beside a tree. Loki expected Thor to push him into the car, but Thor pushed him against the car right against the window. Loki gasped at the impact, and he gasped again when Thor pushed his hands against the window and beside Loki's arms. He demanded, "Tell me the truth."

"I never lied to you," said Loki. "I never told you that my relationship with Tony has never been romantic."

"Then stop hiding things from me! And UN? Are you fucking kidding me, Loki?" Thor bellowed.

Loki winced and turned his face to the side. He was always so used to having this wall around him, so used to pushing his fears away, but he was different with Thor. And they were alone. No guests, no bouncers, no friends around them. It was just them, so Loki could put his walls down again like he has done for the past year when with Thor. However, the walls refused to go down. He was utterly frightened and he refused to show it. With a harsh tone and without looking at Thor, he said, "What do you want to know, Thor?"

"Everything."

"I met Tony when we were little. His dad was a good friend of my grandfather because his dad provided weapons and my grandfather was the one in charge of buying it for different countries. Then my grandfather got into the UN and so he climbed up in the ranks. Now, with a click of his fingers, he can get anyone arrested and whatnot. Anyways, that's how I knew Tony. We were childhood friends and so I moved with him when I moved to the US. I moved to the US because I wanted freedom. That much you know."

"Is there more?" Thor asked as he fought against the urge to break the windows of his own car.

"Yes. I hate my family."

"I know that."

"They raised me by mocking everything I did. They believed that it was normal because they mocked each other. That's why there's no one creative in my family. They're all internally depressed people, but that's 90% of the population."

"You told me that. They never reached their dreams and so explains their issues. The fuck, Loki? Are you playing with me by telling me things I already know? I know that it's their attitude that's the reason why you have trust and abandonment issues!"

Then the walls collapsed. "My father killed his fucking best friend and my mother killed her own mother!"

Thor drew back. All his anger disappeared and turned into something called fear. Fear not for himself, but for Loki and his past, present, and future.

Loki hit Thor's car as tears welled at the corner of his eyes. "My dad was a rich bastard. Got involved with drugs when he was twelve and was taking drugs when me and my siblings were born. My brother has Asperger's, Thor, and my sister has a lot of hormone issues. Me and the other one were lucky, but look at our fucking issues. I went to get myself tested and I locked myself in for three months in a mental ward. Guess what. I'm sane. Despite the issues, I still am sane. Funny, right?" Loki chuckled but a few tears fell down his face. "When I was thirteen, my grandmother died. My parents divorced when I was fourteen but the divorce wasn't finalized until I was sixteen because my parents kept on fighting. It was then that I found out the dirty secrets of the family. My father not only did drugs - his friends were drug traffickers. One of his friends was put in prison for murder and it was my grandfather who pulled that friend out because he believed that that friend was innocent. The power of being in power. He never knew that my father lied to him about that stupid innocence. Then, I find out that my father was a known womanizer having have dated numerous women on occasion and all of those were his official girlfriends. He participated in orgies and drugged up parties. And my mother stuck to that because she wanted my grandfather's money. And so she became pregnant while knowing that her husband was drugged up. Her own mother, who was sick and bedridden, needed money to stay alive. My mother got fed up with giving her money, and so she killed her by putting salt in the IV. Grandmother was being treated at home and so no formal investigation was done because my mother refused it, saying that it was better if grandma went to heaven instead of suffering. All of those I found out from my older brother. My parents, who were angry at each other, revealed the truth for him because he was the smartest and the most successful and the most confident and the most... everything." Loki wiped his fingers against his cheeks because the tears have started to run in a violent manner. And Thor stared. His gut clenched at the sight of Loki crying. He has seen it before, but never has it been because of something so painful. And Thor wanted to help. He wanted Loki to be safe, and so he embraced Loki who wrapped his arms around himself.

"Loki, I'm here." Thor kissed the top of Loki's head and rubbed gentle circles on Loki's back. "I'm here."

"I'm a man, I shouldn't cry."

"Any man would cry if they've been through that shit."

So Loki cried harder, but he continued. His voice cracked, though, but he felt as if the truth needed to be told. "My brother fought for me and my siblings. He was our light, and he took us out of that house without telling us what happened. He brought us to our grandfather who lived in London. Father followed, though. He beat my father in front of me and I cried for it to stop. Father didn't stop. The next day, our family started to take sides. Nobody sided with my brother and he felt so alone. It was then that I finally knew what my brother was saying that everyone was scared of my father. He always had rage issues. I just didn't know that none, as in none, of my family members defended my brother. Another thing was that my brother did not bruise. Despite the aching jaw, nothing. No signs that he was ever touched. They called him a liar. My brother didn't even cry. He stood and always said that he was doing it for us. Then my father moved in with grandfather because he didn't have a job after the divorce. Brother refused to leave. They didn't speak, but father spoke to the rest of us. It was horrible. I was on my brother's side because I saw it. One day, my brother disappeared. And, to be honest, my brother was my role model. Father was never a good father, and so everything was my brother. When he left, I felt as if a part of me died. He was more than a brother, Thor. He was like my own father even if we were only two years apart. And with his disappearance, I did my investigation. Actually, I emailed brother to ask him if the drugs were true because father did show signs of being an addict. Brother sent me recordings. One after the other. Apparently, he collected his evidence. He said that he showed it to grandfather, but grandfather refused to acknowledge the confessions that brother caught." Loki pushed Thor away and looked straight into those blue eyes. "Do you know how it feels to hear your mother scream that she did kill our grandmother?"

Thor hugged Loki tighter and cried as well.

"Thor, that is why I'm here. I needed... I needed to escape."

And so Thor finally realized much more, and more importantly, the reason why Loki always ran away. Loki loved his family, especially his brother, but his brother left. And so he would cling to people and make those people cling back. It was his way of reminding himself that he could be loved in such a way, and he made sure that he would never be left by manipulating his interests' emotions in such a way. Because despite what Bruce said, Thor _did_ know of Loki's dating life. He has heard rumors, and he has had strangers in school approach him asking how Loki was. Loki was known to make people fall in love with him, and he was known to leave them. Always, those interests would become weeping messes, begging for Loki to come back after a short one week relationship.

And what he does, the running away, it could be that he was mirroring his brother's actions. However, it could be his means of keeping himself safe. Loki trusted his family, but it was his family that hurt him the most. So when Loki gives his body away, it's a sign of trust. Then, he's scared that that trust would be broken, so he runs and destroys the relationship before the person could hurt him.

"I'm sorry, Thor!" shouted Loki. "I'm such a fucking mess! I try to be normal! I try to have a decent relationship! I try to trust but it is so fucking hard!"

Thor cupped Loki's face and gently rubbed the tears away. He leaned a little forward, his eyes leveled with Loki's. Thor wanted to smile, to give some comfort to Loki, but how could one smile in such a situation? And what kind of comfort could be given to the most shattered emerald eyes that one has ever seen? Thor wanted to say that he loved Loki so _so_ much that he would never leave him, but Thor's guilt was still there. He knew that he still had Jane. He knew that he loved both Loki and Jane, and he knew that he had to pick one but he couldn't. And he was afraid to give a promise which he wanted to keep, but was not sure if he could do so.

"Thor..."

"Loki, I'm here," said Thor. Loki's lips were trembling and his body was shaking. So Thor held him again and refused to let go. If he could not utter the words that he wanted to say, he would make Loki feel it in some way.

"Thor, please, bring me home."

Thor softly kissed Loki's forehead and brought him back to Loki and Tony's shared apartment. However, when Thor parked, Loki grabbed his hand and begged, "Please, Thor, come in. I need you."

"Loki? If you are talking about what I'm thinking, then no. I don't want to do anything until you're truly ready."

"Please, Thor! I need you... please."

 

 

 

 


	6. Be Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor realizes something important, and he's serious; Loki's trying to fight his fears and past, and he's trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of the last chapter was when they arrived at Loki's apartment, the first part of this chapter, however, deals with the car ride going to the said apartment. And I wasn't supposed to update this yet, but I got excited and I got a random holiday earlier and so things happened, and so this chapter happened

The car ride going back to his apartment was quiet. So quiet that Loki wanted to scream. Thor was driving. His eyes were concentrated on the road and soft piano music was coming from the stereo. The music, which was saved on a playlist on his iPod, was something that Thor downloaded when he first found out that Loki was interested in classical piano. Though Thor never enjoyed listening to it, he enjoyed it if it was Loki playing. Also, he thought that it could calm Loki. Thor's left hand was on the steering wheel, and his right hand was on Loki's knee. Loki, sitting on the passenger seat, had his legs pushed up against his chest. He embraced his knees close and his lips were on Thor's knuckles. His eyes, however, were concentrated on the building that passing through his side. He didn't want to speak, he didn't even want to move. He just despised the silence, and he was loathing himself again.

When Thor started to get jealous in the karaoke, Loki was amused. But Loki knew better than that. He was amused but it was because he was pushing his worries away. Thor was a big man, and Thor could definitely hurt him. There were times when he and Thor fought before. Though Thor never hurt him, Loki has seen Thor punch the wall or throw things. The first time Loki saw Thor's anger, Loki would admit that he got scared. Thor threw his - not Loki's - school books to the wall. An hour later, Thor apologized for scaring Loki. Thor explained that he does get violent, but he'll never hurt anyone. He even picks what he throws, and everyone was glad for that or else there would be broken lamps and plates everywhere. Thor, however, just never became jealous before. He was always assured that Loki would be loyal. After all, Thor has heard the rumors of how Loki played around with people's hearts. The fact that Loki stayed with him for more than a month was the sign that Loki has finally ended his game.

When Thor grabbed Loki's wrist, that's when the fear started to push against the surface. Yet again, Loki pushed it back down to the dark depths of his head. He refused to be weak - he always had rejected it so. It was his way of survival, but his mind worked in such a puzzle that he put things together. Even if he was playing the part of the strong man, he still had to be careful. And that was why he mentioned his grandfather's position to the bouncers. It would make the bouncers watch him carefully (for they did watch the whole confrontation by Thor's car), and it would shake Thor a little bit, thus causing Thor to shift his concentration from Loki's affair to Loki's family. It was a smart move, or so that's what Loki believed because he survived.

Loki finally revealed his secret about his family, and he kept his reputation from being tarnished further more.

The subject of Loki's family has always been a sensitive topic for Loki. However, he spoke of it to everyone except his love interests. Somehow, Loki, always trying to say that he was alright and always trying to be the strong one who didn't give a damn about anything, pretended that he wasn't affected with his family life. He would meet a random stranger, and tell him on the first day that his father was a drug addict. He would speak of the murders after a week or so. That was just how he was. He was supposed to be okay, so he'll speak of his issues as if it was nothing. It gave people the impression that he was invincible and that none could hurt him because of the troubles he's been through. And it always worked. Loki seemed like a man who has finally stood up after being beaten to the ground. So no one hurt him. Even if the story spread, Loki just shrugged. He was strong, and he didn't care what people thought of him. He did what he wanted to do. But then his love interests would come. At first, they would seem so special that he would keep the secrets hidden for he's scared of what they would think. It is only then that he becomes vulnerable, that he becomes slightly human for he would exercise the steps of trusting - build the relationship before revealing such sensitive things.

None of those interests ever lasted a month except for Thor. And, if Loki were to be honest, he has been thinking of revealing it to Thor already for months. It's just that he gets scared every time he gets so close to it. So Loki took a chance. He revealed this secret instead of suffering from Thor's jealousy. Great plan? Loki believed it was. He got what he wanted. He spoke the truth which he wanted to reveal, and he was unharmed even if he was sure that Thor wouldn't use his hand on him.

Loki held Thor's hand and kissed his palm.

"Loki, are you okay?" asked Thor as he kept on driving.

And Loki said it. The words that he has wanted to say for months. "I love you."

Thor quickly parked the car at the side of the road. Midnight was nearing and there weren't much cars around, and most of the lights have been closed as well. Thor's heart grew weary. He wanted to say those words to Loki as well, but there was still Jane. So he looked at Loki.

"Thor?" Loki saw the uncertainty in Thor's eyes, and Thor knew that. So he covered it by leaning to Loki and planting a soft kiss upon his lips. And when that kiss ended, Thor placed his hand behind Loki's head and moved closer to lay his lips upon Loki's forehead. Loki closed his eyes and held Thor's hand tighter.

"I'm here," was what Thor said before he started the car again.

+

They entered Loki's room and Loki pushed Thor to the bed. However, Thor sat up and pushed Loki away. Loki, honestly surprised, just stared at Thor who looked around Loki's room. He's been there before countless of times before and he already studied the room to learn more about Loki. However, after what happened, he couldn't help but study it again. There were books everywhere. His laptop was on the desk. And pictures were everywhere. None were of his family except for one that was by the desk. A picture of Loki and his three other siblings. Thor knew their names, but he never knew the story behind them. So he stood up and walked over to the picture. He took it in his hand and brushed his fingers against the faces of Loki and his siblings. They all looked alike except for Loki. All of them were even blond, but all their eyes were green. Thor sighed. Arms wrapped around his waist and he turned his head around. Loki's chin was on his shoulder, but Loki's eyes were on the picture. He pointed to the tallest one and said, "That's him."

"Where is he now?" asked Thor.

"Somewhere in England but he wouldn't tell me either. He never emailed me unless he was in an internet cafe. He was careful not to get tracked. At first, I called him crazy. Then I found out the other connections of my father and grandfather. He was just careful to be tracked. I haven't seen him since he disappeared. He said that it was for my own good, but I think that he's just escaping the pain."

Thor put the photo down and stared at some others that were on Loki's wall. There were tens of it. None of it were those artsy photos for Loki said that he didn't want to totally decorate his room until he had his own house. Instead, Loki wanted memories to surround the walls to remind him of the good things in life. In the middle of the wall was a picture of Loki and Thor during one of their dates. They were in Thor's car, and Thor remembered that it was him who took the picture. They were both smiling so happily that Thor couldn't help but be guilty again. He wanted both of them to smile like that every single day for years to come. Thor told himself that that couldn't happen because he needed Jane. He just wanted Loki. However, maybe he was starting to need Loki as well. He didn't know.

Surrounding their photo were photos of Loki and his friends that Thor started to feel jealous again. Tony was on the wall. Bruce. And also Natasha. Thor pointed at the red headed woman and looked at Loki who was staring at Natasha's face. Thor didn't want to get angry again, but he just needed answers. So he took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. He asked, "Can you please tell me the truth, Loki? I won't get angry anymore. I promise. If I do, I'll go out."

Loki's hands fell to his sides. He walked to stand beside Thor and sighed in a rather defeated manner. "I believe that there's no use running now," Thor didn't know what that meant, but Loki said that because he was evading Thor's questions about his affairs. Loki, who was still rather nervous to reveal it although it wasn't showing, said, "I didn't sleep with all of them. Just Bruce and Tony. Bruce was the first. After that, I disappeared but I managed to go to school without any of them catching me. Except for Clint. We had English together but I made him swear not to tell."

"How?" Thor became curious because he knew of Loki's tricks. Honesty, he was rather fond of it as well as long as it wasn't happening to him.

"I told him that I'll text his mom a nude selfie of him. He didn't take one, though, but Natasha did. I saw it in Natasha's phone once and emailed it to myself just in case I ever needed it."

Thor smiled. Even if he was still feeling jealous, it was mixing with some positive emotions as well.

"Of course, Bruce got angry. It's hard when you're actually friends with the person because I won't be able to escape them forever unlike those others who didn't really matter to me in such a way. Then, there was Tony. I disappeared for a week again and, good thing it happened in the same semester. Only Clint knew that I was still going to school."

"Where do you go to? I thought you'd go to another state but you still manage to go to school?"

"I go and sleep over at my friend's house that's just a block away from this apartment."

Thor was baffled.

"Yes, Thor, put your jaw up. You look stupid. That's where I go to. I help him with his homework for mostly everything, and he lets me sleep over. Since I managed to get him into this honor society, he always lets me sleep over." Loki smirked. "I fooled you and everyone else, didn't I?"

Thor shook his head. "Did you..."

"Sleep with him as well? No. Because if I did, then I wouldn't have a place to stay when I want to vanish."

Thor shook his head and Loki laughed.

"Don't worry, you big bad Aussie, you're the only one I have right now. I don't plan on going back to how it was before."

But Loki wasn't the only one for Thor, and Thor wanted it to end. He wanted Loki to be his, and he wanted Loki to be his everything. "Loki, do you still..."

"Yes, Thor? Still what? Need you? If you don't want to do it, I'm happy just to have you here with me because I think you're right. I'm just doing this to make me feel secure. I'll just run away again."

"But... I need you." Thor placed his arms around Loki's waist and pulled the man forward. Loki gasped and he moaned when Thor tightened his grip on his waist and rubbed their crotches together. Loki groaned and he felt it. Not Thor. His fears coming up. He didn't initiate this one. Though he first did, Thor stopped it and Thor was the one asking this time. So he wasn't in control. Thor was. And the panic was boiling and threatening to burn him. He needed it to stop. But it was Thor. Loki couldn't say it. And when Thor placed his lips against Loki's neck, Loki cocked his head to the side to give Thor more.

"Thor, please..."

"Yes, babe?" Thor kissed his neck. One hand went against Loki's back to push him closer while the other cradled the back of his head. He ran his fingers through Loki's scalp and felt the soft strands of dark hair brush against his skin. He kissed up Loki's neck in a sensual yet need manner, tasting Loki and drowning in that unique scent. This was Loki, and he wanted Loki as his. He didn't want any other one, man or woman, to touch Loki. They could look and admire Loki from afar, but they should know that they would have hell to pay if they dare lay a hand on Loki.

Loki moaned, and Thor groaned at that sensual noise. He wanted more. He grabbed Loki's thighs and carried him up. Loki gasped and wrapped his legs around Thor's waist. Their lips met in a passionate kiss, and Thor wanted to make up for that night in the car. Loki was not just someone to be used, he was to be loved. And Thor has been telling himself that for months. Thor's tongue darted out to taste more of Loki's lips, and when Loki parted those lips of his, Thor didn't waste a second to dominate Loki and to assure him that he would protect him. And Loki gave in. He surrendered to Thor's tongue, letting Thor explore and memorize the moist cavern of his mouth. Loki's fears were still just beneath his skin, but Loki fought against it. He was going to trust someone fully. He was going to let someone into his life. No more pretending. No more lies. No more masks.

Thor pushed Loki against the wall. Loki gasped, his head flying back against the cement. The sound echoed, but neither of them paid any notice to it as Thor placed his lips back against Loki's neck, kissing the small Adam's apple that was barely there. Loki's arms, which were around Thor's back, clawed the shoulder blades. Because he played the piano, Loki's nails didn't do any damage. However, if he did let them grow, then there would be marks covering Thor's skin despite the shirt and jacket that he wore.

Another thud echoed throughout the room. Thor just thrust his hips against Loki's, thus causing a loud moan to escape Loki's lips. Thor, who was still kissing Loki's neck, groped Loki's ass. He cursed the jeans, and so he placed his hand inside the back pocket and groped again. Loki cursed, "Fuck."

"Yes, babe," said Thor. He buried his face further into Loki's neck and kissed the neck as hard as he could, grazing his teeth against the pale skin and sucking as if there was no tomorrow. He was going to mark Loki as his. Beneath them, he could feel both their crotches growing hard. But Thor wasn't going to stop with his ministrations just yet. He wanted everyone to know that Loki was his.

"Thor, please!" Loki shouted after minutes of Thor marking his neck. "Stop this teasing!"

Thor pulled away, rubbing his hips against Loki's. "I want everyone to know, Loki."

Loki hurriedly pulled Thor's jacket down his arms but couldn't fully remove it because Thor was still holding him. "Please, Thor!"

"You don't know what you do to me, Loki." Thor put Loki down, and Loki didn't waste any time. He pulled Thor's jacket off, then pulled Thor's shirt off, then he unbuckled Thor's jeans and pulled it down along with the briefs. The cold air surprised Thor that he slightly shuddered. He placed his hands against the wall and Loki quickly went down to his knees to grab the aching cock.

"Thor, god." Loki licked the tip of Thor's cock and fondled with the sacs underneath. Thor's body trembled again as the sight of Loki on his knees made him harden even more.

"Babe, look at what you do to me."

Loki licked the shaft, teasing Thor whilst looking up at him with those emerald eyes. Because it was Loki, Thor knew that he wouldn't last. Just the thought of having Loki against him was enough to make him hard, and to actually have Loki again after months of waiting for the perfect time, he was undeniably excited. Then Loki kissed the tip again, and slowly took the whole shaft into his mouth. Thor threw his head back and groaned. Loki moaned, vibrations spread throughout his body. And when Loki started to suck, his head bobbing up and down, Thor thought of the word _no._

Thor took Loki by his arm and pulled him up. A small bead of precum was already on Loki's lips and Loki looked surprised. "Why?" he asked. "Weren't you enjoying it?"

And Thor noticed the neediness in Loki to please, to make Thor want him. So Thor shook his head. "Babe, I enjoyed everything," Thor congratulated himself for still being able to talk and think even when his senses were already jumbling. "But let me pleasure you. I've never done this before, so tell me what you want and how to do it."

Loki's eyes widened. He never once imagined Thor going down on him. He never imagined anyone do it. It was always him doing that deed, and he always refused to receive it from anyone. Bruce once tried, but he pushed Bruce away and told him that everything was okay. And so he tried to do it again. "Thor, it's okay."

Thor shook his head. He could be stubborn too if he wanted to, and the fire inside of him was screaming to be acknowledged. So he took Loki's shirt and pulled it off of him, then went directly down to Loki's pants. Loki's hands tried to stop Thor, but Thor didn't follow. He unbuckled the belt, threw it to the side, then unzipped Loki's pants and pushed it down to the floor. Loki, who was still feeling his fears, just stood there. And when Thor went on his knees, Loki tried to say, "It's okay, Thor!" His manhood was standing erect and brushing against Thor's lips already. It felt wonderful as little bolts of pleasure went through him, but he was just scared of losing that control.

"Loki, if you want me to stop, say it."

But Loki just bit his lip. He couldn't say it. And so Thor continued. He wrapped his hand around Loki's length and slowly pushed it into his mouth.

Loki's eyes rolled to the back of his head.

+

Loki's eyes opened. He was still in bed. The sun was already up. The clock beside him was blinking the time, 9:43am. And his heart was palpitating. He started to think of what happened the night before. He had sex with Thor, and Thor was passionate yet gentle. No demeaning words and no needy, hungry Loki to push that he was to be used. Loki managed to control himself. But was Thor satisfied? Loki was facing the wall where his wall of memories were at. Nothing seemed to change, and was Thor even still in the bed with him? Did Thor stay? Or did he leave? The first time they had sex, Thor treated him in the way that he wanted to be treated - roughly. There was no passion, no signs of care and whatnot. The previous night was different. So how was Thor in bed? Was he truly a tiger or a passionate lover? Loki's chest tightened. Maybe he didn't please Thor that much and he failed to release that tiger. Loki needed to go. He needed to run again. He sat up and stiffened.

Thor was sitting on the bed right beside Loki. He was still naked and the blankets covered his hips and legs. Beside Thor were piles of books and Thor, himself, was reading one of Loki's books. Loki looked at his bookshelf and saw that there were books missing.

"Loki?"

Loki looked back at Thor. The book that he was reading was on his lap and Thor looked utterly worried and frightened. Thor could see that Loki was panicking, and that Loki wanted to run.

"Loki, are you okay?"

"I... I need to go!" Loki turned to the side to stand up but Thor grabbed his wrists and pushed Loki down on the bed. He straddled the smaller man and pushed those wrists beside Loki's head, trapping Loki underneath and making sure that Loki wasn't going anywhere.

"No!" shouted Thor. "I know what you're planning! You're not running this time, Loki!"

"Let me go, Thor! I need to leave! Get off!" Loki bucked his hips but Thor was too heavy for him to push away. "Thor, get off of me!"

"No, Loki! You are not going to run away this time!"

"Fine! Tony!" Loki screamed. "Tony, help me!"

"Tony?" said Thor. "Is that guy even here?"

"Tony!"

The door to the bedroom opened and Tony, who ran into the room, stumbled back. Tony was shirtless, his hair was a mess, and saliva was still going down the corner of his lips. Either he just woke up, or Loki woke him up. Whatever it was, he didn't know what to do.

"Tony, help me!" shouted Loki.

"What's happening here?" asked Tony. He pointed a finger towards Thor and said, "As much as I would like to be in your position, if the man says no then it's a no. Didn't your mother ever educate you about manners?"

"Idiot," said Thor. "I'm not raping him. I'm keeping him from running away."

"Oh... you did the dirty deed last night. Well," Tony shrugged, "if that's your reason, I can't stop you." Tony winked at Loki. "You actually deserve this. You can't just run away after sex all the fucking time, princess. If he does try to harm you in any way other than this, call me again."

"What? Tony!" Loki shouted.

Tony ignored Loki and left the room. He shouted, though, saying, "Don't be too noisy or the neighbors might call the cops!"

"Thor!" Loki turned back to Thor. "Get off of me! Please, I beg you!"

Thor let himself collapse unto Loki. Wrapping his arms around Loki's head, he whispered to his ear. "I'm never letting you go. I'm never letting you run or escape or hide. I want you to trust me. I want you to feel safe. I want you to know that I'll never leave you."

Loki closed his eyes as the tears started to fall. "No! You'll leave me! You'll leave me just like everyone else! And you'll just hurt me! I'm not meant to be loved, Thor!"

"Shhh...." Thor kissed Loki's neck. He, too, closed his eyes and shed a few tears. Loki's pain was also his to carry. He desired Loki. Not just one part, or the good parts, but all of it including the darkness. If Loki wasn't ready to step out of it, then Thor would fight it for him and with him. "Loki... I love you. Please..." he kissed Loki's neck again. "Be mine."

"What?" Loki turned to Thor. His eyes were wide open and the tears wouldn't stop falling. He wasn't surprised with the confession of love for he could feel it from Thor, he was surprised by Thor asking Loki to be his. Loki never once had a serious and stable relationship. He didn't know what it meant to have someone to call yours, and to have someone love you for who you are.

"Loki, I'm serious."

"No, Thor, you're not," insisted Loki.

"I love you." Thor pushed himself up to straddle Loki's hips again. "If you don't believe me, then I'll say it to you again and again and again until you believe me. If you don't believe my words, then I'll show it to you every single fucking day for the rest of our lives." His lips quivered. "I... I love you, Loki." He leaned down to softly kiss Loki's forehead. "Be mine."

Loki closed his eyes and cried. His walls were breaking, each and every single layer of those walls. He didn't like the feeling. He wanted to run and hide, to escape just to rebuild those walls, but Thor wasn't letting him do so. And when Thor laid himself against Loki to embrace the man, Loki embraced back.

+

That night, Thor texted Jane. "Can I call? There's something that I need to tell you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read the original of this fic, which is just "the stars can shine again" (I honestly hate the title, and I will confess that I didn't give the title any thought because the one shot was a random thought and I didn't realize that it would become a chapter fic or so), it is mentioned there that Thor never said "I love you" to Loki, but he did so in this chapter. In the following chapters, more on that would be explained.


	7. Approval

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor's trying, he really is

Jane walked out of the bedroom she shared with her roommate and walked into the balcony. Accidentally, she slammed the door. When her roommate stared at her from her spot at the top of their bunk bed, Jane frowned and closed turned around so that her roommate would not see her face. Jane sighed and placed one hand against her hip while the other held her phone against her. The wind brushed her hair, causing it to spread against her face. She pushed the hair back behind her ear and blinked. Her eyes were glassed by tears and she was trying to compose herself. She whispered to her phone, "You want to break up with me?"

Thor gulped. "Yes, Jane. I'm sorry."

"Why? Is it because I'm here in Georgia? We talked about this, Thor! You said that it was okay for me to fly over here! I have a full scholarship, Thor! Do you expect me to let it go for you? I thought you understood!"

"I do, Jane! I really do!"

"Then why?" Jane slouched against the railings of the balcony and stared at the street beneath her. "What did I do, Thor?"

"Jane, you didn't do anything wrong."

"Then what?"

Thor couldn't answer.

"Did you find someone else?"

Thor didn't want to answer. Never did he and Jane ever come close to breaking up. Even when they fought, they always talked. They always accepted each other and each other's faults. They always tried to understand one another. But could Jane understand this? Could Thor even understand Jane this time?

"Thor, answer me!"

"Jane, I'm sorry."

"You don't love me anymore?" Jane's voice broke, and Thor's guilt gnawed him from the inside.

"No, Jane, I do. It's just..."

"What, Thor?" Jane hit the railing with her palm. "Is it because I'm not there? You told me you'd understand! I'm graduating next year! I understood you while you bummed around for years!"

Yes, Jane did. For two years, Thor refused to go to college even if his mother could support him. Thor worked, though, he just didn't want to go to school because of a lot of issues he's had. Thor claimed that school should be a choice, but the truth was Thor was traumatized with the thought of college. For years, he has felt the pressure of it. HIs father telling him to take medicine, his mother telling him to take law. Two different majors and he wanted to please both parents. Though his father was in Australia (his parents were still madly in love and together), he talked to his father weekly. When it was time to choose a college, Thor just went through a great meltdown and rebelled. He never did the drugs although he did do the alcohol. He never disrespected his mother who he lived with. He just did what he wanted to do. He grew stubborn and obnoxious, and when he would feel as if he was breaking down again, Jane, who had already been accepted to the university in Georgia, would fly back home just for Thor.

"Thor, answer me!"

Thor didn't speak.

"I am going there next weekend and we are talking! I am not going to accept this until I know! If you don't love me anymore, just say it! But since you said that you still do, then I need to know what happened, Thor!"

"Jane-"

"I will see you Saturday morning! I know you don't work until 5pm that day. I'll go to your house. Good night!"

Jane ended the call and collapsed against the wall of the balcony. Tears, scorching and painful, fell down her cheeks as she slowly slid to the ground.

+

Thor fell against his bed and wiped his own tears from his face. He stared at his phone, the same phone that he just used to call Jane and the same phone whose wallpaper was a picture of Loki. Thor sighed and his arm fell against the mattress, the phone falling right beside his face. It was then that he got a text from Tony, saying, "Loki tried to sneak out. I tried to stop him and now he's locked himself in his room. Help?"

Thor quickly left, leaving a note for his mother in case she searched for him. It was already late at night, though, and his mother would already be asleep but he didn't want her to panic as well.

+

Thor arrived at the apartment and was greeted by Tony who walked with him to Loki's door. Thor knocked on it and shouted, "Loki, it's me! Let me in!"

Loki didn't answer.

"Loki! Open the damn door!"

Loki still didn't answer.

"Loki, open the damn fucking door or I'm breaking it! I'm not in the mood to be sweet and nurturing, but I vowed to be here for you and here I am! Even when I'm sleepy and grouchy, I'm fucking here so open the fucking door because I know you're going to leave again!"

Tony, whose arms were crossed in front of his chest, took a step back. "What got you in such a horrible mood?"

Thor glared at Tony. "You shouldn't ask. Also, you fucked my boyfriend."

"Blowjobs do not exactly count as fucking, Thor."

Thor rolled his eyes and knocked the on door. "I'm serious, Loki! I'm not letting you run away again!"

"Stop it, Thor!" Loki finally shouted. "Let me leave! And just leave me already! I'll just bring you down with me!"

"Yeah," said Tony, "We also had this certain argument before."

Thor glowered at Tony. "Speak one more time about your past with Loki, then I'll make sure that you won't be able to speak again."

"Oooh, big boy, then who's going to call you when Loki tries to run away again?"

Thor sneered.

"Tony: 1. Thor: 0," said Tony with a rather infuriating smile on his face.

Thor turned back to the door. He took a deep breath and softened his voice. "Loki, please. Please open the door. Talk to me, babe. Please."

No answer.

"Fine!" Thor's temper came back. "I am seriously going to break this fucking door! I did football in high school, Loki! And you know that I can break this!" Thor took some steps back, but Tony went in front of the door and spread his arms wide. "Move away!" shouted Thor. "I'm getting through that door!"

Tony shook his head. "My dad just cut my credit line. If you break this door, Loki and I would have to pay for it."

"And? Loki's loaded," said Thor.

"I know, but I'm not. Right now, that is. Usually, I'm a millionaire but not now."

"Then Loki can pay! Or I'll pay!"

"The landlord is coming in a few days to check the apartment."

Thor snarled. "Fuck you."

"I'm warning you, I'm rather expensive."

Thor moved towards the door and Tony with a deep, angry frown on his face. Tony moved to the side and Thor slammed his hand on the door. When Loki still didn't answer, he whispered to Tony, "How's the window?"

Tony cocked his brows and whispered, "I locked it from the outside. I can unlock it for you."

"Let's go."

"Before that," Tony reached for a chair and placed it against the doorknob to make sure that Loki wouldn't be able to escape.

+

Loki sat on his bed. HIs knees were pushed against his chest and his arms were wrapped around legs. The stereo was playing some classical piano sonatas to calm him down, but it wasn't working. So he tried to read some books, but it didn't work either as he threw those books to the wall. On the floor, around a dozen books were scattered. Some open, some closed. The picture of Loki and his siblings was turned down, and the picture of him and Thor that was on his wall of memories was lying beneath that picture of him and his siblings.

Noises appeared from the window. Loki's head shot up from where it lay against his knees. Then, he stilled. Tony was unlocking the lock he placed on Loki's window, and Thor was frowning at him. Loki wanted to run, but he was too scared that he just sat there. When the window opened, Loki buried his face to his knees and hugged his legs tighter. He listened to Thor call his name, and he listened as Thor walked to him, and he listened to the window close. He was alone in his bedroom with Thor again, and a day hasn't even passed since their touching morning.

"Loki," Thor took a deep breath. He was angry, that was sure, but he was also scared. Scared that Loki didn't want him, scared that Loki has fallen so deep into his own darkness, and scared that Loki would disappear permanently from his life. He was trying so hard to make him and Loki happen. He even tried to break it up with Jane, and he would go around the whole world for this man. He loved Loki - he loved Loki so damn much that it hurts. And he knew that Loki didn't enjoy running away, and that it was just a way to keep himself safe. But Loki was safe with him. Though he did have Jane, Thor wanted it to change.

"Thor, stop being with me." Loki kept his head down. His voice cracked, though, that Thor knew that he was crying again. "I'm serious. Stay away from me."

"No, Loki! When are you going to stop being like this? Why can't you see that I'm here for you?"

Loki didn't respond.

"Oh, Loki." Thor sat down beside Loki and embraced the man. In his arms, Loki trembled but still refused to show his face. Thor shook his head and placed a soft kiss against Loki's hair. He whispered, "I love you, Loki. I love you so fucking much that you'll never make me stay away from you. Even when you go to London for your masters, I'll follow. When you go to Germany for your PhD, I'll fucking follow. I'll even try to look for your brother just to make you see that I love you."

Loki buried his face against Thor's chest and wrapped his arms around Thor's neck. He whispered, "I tried so hard not to leave, Thor. But when I was at work, there was a couple who fought. When I was walking home, my control was disappearing. When I was eating with Tony, I told him that I was losing it. And I did. He ran after me and I begged him to let me go. I tried, Thor." Loki sobbed, his tears staining Thor's shirt. "I really tried! I'm sorry! I can't promise you that I'll stay, but I'm trying and it hurts!"

Thor embraced Loki even tighter.

+

When Tony woke up the next day, he jumped out of bed and quickly showered. It was already 7:30am and he and Loki both left at 8:30am to get to their first class. He wondered, though, if Loki was even awake or if Thor was even alive. Tony shuddered at that thought. After he showered, while he was spraying cologne all over himself, he heard someone cooking that he cocked an eyebrow. Loki was a horrible cook. And he, too, was a horrible cook. But they did cook because they had no choice, but neither of them cooked in the morning because two horrible cooks trying to make food when they had to get ready for school usually ended up in burnt pancakes and dark eggs. Tony dressed himself and walked out of his bedroom. He gasped.

"Thor, you're alive!" Tony shouted. Thor, who looked horrible because of his unruly hair and dark eye bags, was cooking pancakes. And sitting by the table was Loki. His hair was pulled up and his face was flat against the table. Also, he was sleeping. And his neck was covered with hickies. Tony pointed to it and said, "Rough night?"

"That was two nights ago," said Thor with a tired tone as he continued to cook. "He was wearing concealer or something yesterday to hide it. If he didn't, then his boss wouldn't even let him go on stage to play the piano."

"Hm, that sounds right because I was wondering why I didn't hear anything last night."

Thor rolled his eyes and Loki didn't even move an inch. Tony sat beside Loki and asked, "Long night, Thor?"

"Yeah, we talked. He cried. I woke up early to make sure that he didn't leave. He woke up early because of a nightmare. We talked again. I made him get ready. I'm cooking."

"Don't you have school today?"

"All my classes today don't take attendance and attendance doesn't matter. I'm too tired to go to school, but don't worry about it. I'll be okay. I'll just borrow Sif's notes. She's a smart one, that girl. Good thing I have her in every class."

"That's good."

Thor yawned and scratched the back of his head. "I never imagined that I'd be the cook in the relationship."

"Don't you mean woman?" Tony joked and laughed. Thor, however, didn't. Tony said, "Hey, that's a bit funny, you have to admit that. You, big Thor, the woman."

Thor shook his head. "I can't imagine it. I'll be one ugly woman."

Tony laughed. Beside him, Loki groaned and pushed himself up. Tony smiled at him and said, "Good morning, sleeping beauty."

"Shut the fuck up, Maleficent," said Loki. "I'm tired."

"You're tired? _We're_ tired," said Tony with some slight annoyance in his tone.

"Don't fight," said Thor as he placed the pancakes on a plate. He brought it to the dining table and told the two, "Eat. Put your dishes in the sink and I'll clean it later because you two have school. I'll just be in Loki's room." Thor yawned and slowly walked to the room. He closed the door and fell on Loki's bed. Not a second later, he was already in dreamland.

In the kitchen, Tony smiled as he swallowed a piece of the pancake. "This is delicious. Where did Thor learn how to cook?"

Loki spread some maple syrup against his pancake and said, "At the restaurant where he works at. He's a waiter there, but they keep changing him around. He was a sushi chef for a year because their sushi chef retired. Now, he's back to serving tables."

Tony smirked. "How does sushi connect to pancakes?"

"His mom manages a restaurant too so he always knew how to cook."

"Why won't he work at his mom's restaurant instead of that Japanese place?"

"Independence. That was also how he rebelled against his mother a few years ago."

"Little momma's boy knows how to rebel?"

Loki glared at Tony. "Can you please let me eat first?"

"Sure thing, princess." Tony stuffed more pancakes in his mouth and said, "I still find it weird to see that big guy working in a Japanese restaurant. Being a waiter is one thing, but the sushi chef? It's a crime to go against the stereotypes here! This is the fucking USA!"

Loki shook his head and continued eating while ignoring Tony and his comments.

When they finished, Loki cleaned their dishes because he didn't want to bother Thor with it. After all, Thor already cooked their food. Tony grabbed his keys from the counter and stood beside Loki. He watched Loki wash the dishes quietly as he thought of some things. He didn't even notice what was happening until Loki splashed water to his face. Tony jumped back and, just as when he was about to shout at Loki, he noticed that Loki had finished with the dishes already. Tony scratched his neck and said, "I think that I was thinking too hard."

"You were. I called your name and you didn't respond."

"It's because I wanted to tell you something."

"What?"

Tony pointed towards Loki's bedroom door. "I approve of that guy. Even if he seems like the jealous type, I like him. He cares for you, Loki. Stop running away. Give the guy a chance. Also, let yourself be happy for once."

Loki rolled his eyes and turned around. Even if he knew that Tony was right, he still had his image to maintain. He couldn't just accept such things. Also, the walls were up again. No vulnerability whatsoever must be shown.

"You may think that maybe he's not the one since we're all so young right now, but serious relationships are fun. Don't think of it ending just yet. Some people find their soul mates when they're children."

"Tony Stark talking about soul mates," Loki smirked in honest amusement. "It doesn't fit your image."

"It doesn't fit my image right now because I haven't found anyone to take seriously just yet. You know how serious I could get when I truly do like someone. We fought for months after _that_ incident, remember? All because I kept trying to break your stupid walls and you won't let me."

Loki shook his head and walked to his bedroom. "I'm just going to get my bag then let's head off already."

"Anything you say, princess. Don't forget to cover those hickies."

Loki entered his bedroom and smiled. Thor was splayed against his bed in a rather charming way with his feet dangling from the side. Thor was tired, and Loki knew that he truly did love the man. And he was honestly going to try to change. Not only for himself, but for Thor. Loki took his bag from his desk and walked over to the side  where Thor's head was laying. Loki leaned down and laid a soft kiss upon Thor's head. That small contact, however, wasn't enough to cause a reaction from Thor who continued to snore. Loki smiled wider. He has never felt so much at peace until Thor came to his life. Though the inner battles have grown difficult, he knew that things were still much better than before.

+

Thor stood right in front of the door of the townhouse waiting for Jane. His gut was clenching and his heart was growing weary. He wasn't sure if he could do this. So he leaned against his car and counted to himself to calm down so that he could clear his mind. He reached the number 1,001 and finally stopped because his phone rang. He prayed that it was Loki, or his mom, or maybe his boss. Anyone but...

"Jane calling."

Thor stared at the screen of the phone as his hands shook with such anxiety. He didn't want to answer it. He didn't want to be given such horrible accusations. Most of all, he didn't want to say the truth. Then a car parked right in front of Thor. A white Nissan. Jane's car. The call suddenly dropped and Jane stepped out of the driver's side of the car. She slammed the door shut and held her phone in one hand. Clicking her keys to her belt, she angrily walked over to Thor, her keys noisily ringing by her side.

"Jane..." Thor tried to say something but talking seemed so hard to do.

Jane fisted her hands and fought against the urge to slap Thor. "Why do you want to break up? Just give me the reason and I'll let you go. That's all I want, Thor."

Thor just stared down at her. How could he possibly say the truth? And how could he possibly break her heart after everything they've been through? They have been together they years, and they're supposed to work things out. Married couples sometimes stay together for decades even if there was cheating because they work things through, and sometimes the husband or wife just falls and needs to be picked up again. Maybe he was just falling - maybe he needed Jane to pick him up again.

"Thor, speak to me!"

Thor looked away. There were instances when those married couples separate, and there were instances when one would end up marrying their mistress or other lover. People fell out of love. Did he fall out of love with Jane and fell directly and strongly towards Loki? Or was be just falling?

"Thor!"

Jane wiped the tears that have fallen down her face and Thor just stared. He always wiped Jane's tears away. Why can't he do it now? Why can't he fight for his love for her? Why can't he realize that he can't do it? It was easy to break up on the phone but it was different in real life because it was more personal. He could see Jane's tears, he could hear Jane's heavy breaths, and he could reach out and touch Thor's cheeks. He could tell her everything, and he could tell her lies.

"Thor, why?" Jane hit Thor's chest but the bigger man was barely pushed back. "Tell me, Thor! If you don't love me anymore, just tell me!"

Thor shook his head and whispered, "no. I love you, Jane." It was then that Thor realized that he couldn't do it. He couldn't leave Jane. He couldn't picture a future without her.

"Then why?"

"I... I grew lonely and insecure. I just got scared and thought that we wouldn't be able to get thru this. I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you."

Jane threw her arms around Thor's shoulders and cried on Thor's chest. And Thor hesitated, but he still wrapped his arms around Jane's small form and whispered apologies.

Thor cursed himself. He didn't know what he was doing. He didn't even know the truth to his feelings. He just didn't know. He closed his eyes and cried along with Jane. But his tears weren't for her. It wasn't even for Loki. It was for him. He knew that he was cheating. He knew that he was going to hurt both of them. And he knew that he couldn't let either of them go. Was it truly possible to be in love with two people?

+

Steve choked on his coke. he was at the cafeteria of their school with Tony and Loki, and the day was so peaceful until Tony showed him the video of what he did at the karaoke. Steve gasped, "I didn't know what I was doing! I'm so sorry, Loki!"

Like merely shrugged for he didn't really care. Tony, however, did. He nudged Steve's shoulder and asked, "what was it that you needed to do that you got drunk? Harass Loki? Thor almost killed you! And me. And Bruce. "

Steve groaned and covered his face with his hands. "Let's not talk about this! It's embarrassing! I was just stressed with some tests," and that was a lie. And he was ashamed to admit to himself that he failed the mission.

+

Weeks later.

Steve walked into his bedroom and threw his bag to the bed. A soft sigh escaped his lips and he looked at the mirror where he saw his pathetic reflection. He took a chair and placed it in front of the mirror to stare at himself. He felt horrible. He couldn't tell Loki the truth, but Loki seemed happy. Loki hasn't even tried to run away after his last attempt. And Loki's tricks were less sadistic. He even saw Thor within the campus often, and Tony said that he barely saw Loki at home anymore. Tony even joked, saying that if Thor didn't live with his mother then Thor and Loki might have moved in together already. Steve stood up and from the chair and walked over to the window to look outside and watch the moon. He hasn't talked to Thor properly about it but they have been greeting each other whenever they see each other, but Thor did say that he was officially dating Loki already. So did Thor break up with Jane already? Steve didn't know. But maybe. And Steve can hope for that. And since Loki has never been more at peace, what was his position to take that happiness away from Loki?

+


	8. Fantasie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't hurt them anymore. He couldn't stand anymore.

September

Thor woke up and panicked. He and Loki slept with each other the night before. Though Loki promised that he won't run away anymore, the memories of their last steamy night was still fresh. Loki locking himself in the room. Loki crying for hours. Loki begging Thor to leave him. So Thor looked to his side and felt his heart tear into pieces. Loki was gone. Thor groaned and pushed his hands to his face. He believed that he failed. He was supposed to control himself. And if not, he was supposed to wake up earlier than Loki to keep the man from running away. Thor grabbed the covers and punched the mattress.

"Bad dream?"

Thor sat up and turned his head towards the desk, Loki's desk for they were in Loki's room, and saw Loki reading a book.

"Good morning, Thor."

Thor threw the covers away and stood up, exposing his naked self to Loki. But that didn't matter anymore. They have seen each other naked countless of times before, and Loki didn't leave.

A small, careful, broken, fallen smile subtly spread across Loki's lips. It was a smile that was shaking, one that he smiled so often and one that was usually unseen by most except Thor. However, at that moment, that small smile was sadder than usual and was accompanied by the tears that brimmed Loki's eyes. With a hushed tone, Loki said, "I promised that I'll try, right? I'm trying, Thor."

Thor went on his knees and laid his face against Loki's thighs that were covered by Thor's sweatpants. Thor sighed and wrapped his arms around Loki's legs. He was so scared that Loki left, and so scared that he wouldn't see Loki again. But Loki tried, and Loki was there. It was possible after all, and Thor kissed Loki's knees. Loki put his book on the desk and told Thor to stand, but Thor wouldn't. He just stayed there and drowned in the relief that Loki truly did wanted their relationship.

+

October

Loki gulped and entered the room. He paid for this, and he knew that he needed this. Trying to deal things by himself was getting hard, and he didn't want to bother his friends. Though friends were supposed to be friends and were supposed to listen to the problems of their friends, Loki, who seemed so secure, was actually very insecure. He believed that if he spoke of the truth of what he was feeling, then his friends would leave him. Though Thor was always by his side, always holding his hand and holding him tight just so Loki would pull his walls down, Loki didn't want to be selfish. Thor had his life to live, and Loki had his. And Loki was tired of seeing Thor grow sad because of his own sadness. Thor did say that he was proud that Loki was trying.

Loki laughed when he saw the person waiting for him. Loki, after all, was taking psychology. He should be able to handle his own emotions and should be able to connect the strings that were being played in his head. All of that, however, he could do, but the pain would not disappear. There was a difference, after all, between the solution and the answer. While some people needed to figure out their "why's" as to why they were sad, some people needed acknowledgement, some people needed to cry. For Loki, he needed that acknowledgement and he needed to cry. Though Thor was always with him and even if he has cried in front of Thor numerous times before, Loki still held back. Also, Loki's creative side wasn't exactly helping either because he felt as if his outlets were just a mirror and not a solution. There was something inside of him that was holding him back. And Loki himself knew that he, despite what people think, was still on his knees. He has been trying to stand for years already but it's so hard.

Loki sat on the chair and said, "Good morning."

"Good morning, Loki," said the woman in front of him. "Tell me, why are you here?"

Loki gulped. "I have a problem."

+

November

Thor called Loki asking Loki where he was. Loki, who was writing at his favorite cafe, said that he was writing. Knowing Loki, Thor knew that that meant "Do not disturb or you're dead" because Loki would go through great mood swings whenever he was writing. Once, Loki cried. Another time, Loki got drunk. Another time, Loki threw his books to the wall. Yes. Mood swings, and that's why Loki would stay at a public place so that he would be able to control the rage and depression that would channel throughout his very being. So Thor ended the call. However, he wanted to surprise the man. So he went to the cafe called _Fantasie._ It appealed to artists, especially musician. Its interior was painted with earthly colors, and the light brown walls were covered by musical notes. When Thor first came to the cafe, he thought that the notes were random. However, Loki read it and said that it was Chopin's famous composition, _Fantasie Impromptu,_ Loki's favorite yet most despised song because the song - literally - was the reason why his first piano broke. That's what Loki always said, but it was because he was pressing the keys too hard. It didn't matter to Thor, though, because Loki was amazing at whatever he does and he falls in love all over again whenever Loki would brush his fingertips against the white keys of the piano.

Looking through the window of the cafe, Thor smiled. Loki was at the corner wearing his green scarf and glasses that he barely used unless if his vision starts to blur - which was every week because he writes on his laptop too much. Thor, honestly, found the glasses adorable and takes great pride in being one of the few people who has seen Loki with the dark eyewear. And Loki had his headphones on, and two cups of coffee were by his black laptop. Thor clutched the little box in his hand and walked into the cafe. The baristas looked at him and smiled for those baristas were, apparently, well acquainted with Loki that when their dear customer brings a man, they get acquainted with the man also. One of the baristas opened his mouth to greet Thor, and Thor placed his finger against his lips. The barista glanced at Loki then winked at Thor. Thor winked back.

Loki, who was too concentrated on his chapter, took a sip of the dark coffee. He didn't notice Thor, and he didn't notice the chair in front of him move, and he didn't notice Thor sit down. He didn't notice anything until his phone, which was sitting on the keyboard of his laptop, rang. Loki clicked his tongue and that's when he noticed Thor, whose phone was pressed against his ear, was smiling right across from him. Loki frowned. He took his headphones off, Thor ended the call, and Loki hissed. "What are you doing here? You know that I don't like being disturbed when I'm writing. This is my _me_ time and my _escape from shit_ time. I love you but you know that I need this."

The smile on Thor's face grew. Placing his phone on the table, Thor leaned to Loki and waggled his brows. It further annoyed Loki, but Thor pushed a small box to Loki's hands.

"Thor?" Loki paled. "This better not be a ring. I love you but we're still in college and... and if that was a ring..."

Thor laughed when Loki trailed off. "I know that we're both too young for marriage Loki, so no. It's not a ring. Open it."

Loki eyed Thor rather suspiciously.

"Okay, fine. I wanted to joke and pretend that it was a ring-" Loki's expression darkened "-but it's not because I wanted to play with your feelings!" Thor raised his hands in the air. "Just open it! I wanted it to seem like a ring, but open it! Something's folded in it."

"What could you possibly fold and push into a small ring box?"

"Just open it, Loki."

Loki reached for the box and opened it. His lips parted in honest surprise. It was tickets to this piano concerto, one that Loki was planning to attend. The tickets just went on sale the day before and he didn't even pester Thor to go with him because Thor was not a fan of classical music. However, there were two tickets inside. Thor moved his chair so that he could sit beside Loki who was still staring at the tickets. Thor leaned to him and kissed Loki's cheeks.

+

Early December

Thor laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He was madly in love with Loki. He was madly, greatly, unbelievably, in love with Loki. He muttered, "I'm fucking in love. I'm so fucking in love it hurts." Thor closed his eyes and cried. He never once believed that love would be so hard, and never once did he believe the saying that love can change a person. Thor, selfish Thor, didn't want to be selfish anymore. He had to choose.

+

Mid-December.

Thor called Steve asking to meet up with the man. To Thor's surprise, Steve agreed and they met up at a Starbucks near Steve's place. They sat at the corner and both were rather quiet. Though they haven't exactly fought after the karaoke incident, they haven't exactly talked about it either. Also, Steve, before leaving his home, stalked Thor's Facebook and wasn't very surprised to see that he was still with Jane.

Thor scratched the back of his head and avoided looking at Steve. Steve, however, found it annoying that he said, "Just tell me what you need to tell me. There's a reason why you asked to meet me, Thor."

"I just want to apologize for everything," Thor said as he stared at his frap. "I was a douche, Steve. I still am, and I'm hurting Loki and Jane."

Steve rolled his eyes and cursed Tony for rubbing his habits on him. "Thor, I'm still good friends with Loki. I don't want to talk to you about this because it'll only get me angry and I'm already torn because you make that guy so happy."

Thor shook his head and sighed. "I... I love him, Steve. I guess I'm talking to you about this because you're his friend and I just needed someone's input on this."

"Well? Input on what?"

"I... I'm planning to break it up with Loki. I just want you to keep Jane a secret. I'll stop playing with both of them." Thor blinked to keep his tears from falling. "You're the only one who knows the extent of what I'm doing to Jane and Loki. Is what I'm doing the right thing?"

Steve stared at Thor. Never once did he wanted to get in between a love triangle, and never once did he imagined that it would happen. And Steve, since he has always made sure that he's true to himself, spoke his honest opinion. "Yes, Thor, you're doing the right thing by picking one. But are you sure that you're picking the right one?"

Thor shook his head. "I don't, Steve."

"Who do you feel more connection with?"

Thor wanted to say Loki but he just didn't want to break Jane's heart. After all they've been through, he couldn't just leave her. He always thought of the way married couples are. Since Thor was never a fan of divorce and separation, he decided, in a way, to stay married.

"Thor."

"I don't know."

"Think more about it, Thor."

"I will."

"Christmas is coming up. What are you planning to do?"

Thor shrugged. "Family. My dad's coming here from Australia," and Loki promised to give Thor space so that he could spend it with his family. However, Jane was coming from Georgia to spend time with her family and Thor's.

+

January

The air was cold, the night was dark, and the rock song coming from the stereo of Thor's car was at the right volume that Loki nodded his head while Thor texted Jane, telling her, "Goodnight, babe." Then he put the phone down and stared at his house that was in front of them. His mother was in Georgia visiting his brother, and his mother even had lunch with Jane. It has been months - around five months to be exact - since he asked Loki to be his boyfriend. He has never been happier, but he has never been in such turmoil as well. He didn't want to go on like that anymore, loving two people. He didn't want to hurt either of them, and since Loki went to England for Christmas break, Thor was able to think. He didn't want to do it. He really didn't want to do it. He didn't even know if his choice was right. He just wanted to disappear.

Loki placed his hand on Thor's shoulder, causing Thor to jump in surprise. "Are you okay?" asked Loki.

"Yeah. I am. Let's go inside?"

Loki nodded and they both left the car to enter the townhouse.

Inside, Loki was surprised. The living room was filled with candles that made the classy interior look even classier. On the table were two glass wines and a bottle of red wine, Loki's favorite brand. And when Thor took out his phone, the stereo started playing some of Loki's favorite songs, all of which Thor looked far and wide to buy and compile. He wanted Loki to be happy, and he wanted this day - this last day  of them being together - to be remembered as a wonderful day. He just wanted to see that glorious smile before he, Thor, runs away for he couldn't say the horrible words to Loki. But it was ironic. He begged Loki not to run, but he was planning to. But Loki loved memories. Thor wiped a tear that threatened to fall from his eyes. He'll give wonderful memories for Loki to remember.

Loki, whose smiled meekly, turned to Thor. He was touched. No, Loki felt loved. All the pain that he experienced because of his family didn't matter anymore. Thor did, and Thor made Loki realize that he was meant to be loved, and that he was an important person, and that he mattered.

"Go on," said Thor. "Do you see that big box on the coffee table?"

"Yes..."

"Open it. It's yours."

Loki slowly walked to the coffee table with Thor behind him. Going on his knees, Loki gently touched the box. He took the adorable golden ribbon off and looked at Thor again. Thor wasn't looking at him, but Thor sat beside him and kissed his shoulder. And when Loki opened the box, he felt as if his soul just left him.

There was white Nikon camera, the one that he has been eyeing for months and the very one that he was saving for. There was also a limited edition of the book, "The Last Unicorn," which was secretly one of his favorite books. There was also a green scarf that had the words from Shakespeare's "Hamlet" on its silken length. There was also a key chain. When Loki pulled it from the box, he read the words on it and smiled. "Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us. Oscar Wilde. How did you know that this is my favorite quote?"

"I didn't.  I saw it on your phone and guessed that it was, you know, your favorite quote. And I know that you're not a girl so I don't know if you like what I did here, but... I..." He wanted to say that he loved Loki, that he loved Loki so damn much, but he hasn't said that to Loki for months. The last time was when Loki tried to run away and locked himself in his room, and he saw Jane and those words of passion disappeared. Every night, though, whenever he would bid Loki a good night, he always regretted not confessing his love to him. Thor stood up and rubbed the back of his head. "I downloaded some movies. We can have a quiet night here, just the two of us. You like quiet nights, right? No noise. No drunks. No... stupid things," maybe except Thor himself - that's what Thor told himself.

"Thor, thank you. I cannot begin to express how..."

"Don't," Thor smiled, and while it looked sincere, it was a pained one. "You don't have to thank me for anything. Just seeing you happy is enough for me."

Loki stood up and placed a soft kiss against Thor's lips.

+

When Loki woke up, he was still naked and in Thor's bed, but Thor was gone. Beside him, though, was a note. It said, "My boss called me in today. Sorry. By the way, I forgot to tell you that I'll be busy for a while. Too much stuff with work and school, and mom wants me to start helping her out with the family business. There's breakfast in the kitchen. Pancakes." And there was a small smiley face that Loki smiled. He didn't know that that smiley face was crying when he wasn't looking.

When Loki reached him, he dropped his bag. His bookshelf has disappeared and was replaced with a new one. One of those very creative bookshelves that stretched out like a tree. He once told Thor that he would want that for his room, and Tony said that he hired some men to do it for him while they were away the night before.

Loki didn't know that it was all part of Thor's goodbye.

+

That night, when Loki texted Thor, Thor didn't reply until the morning, saying, "Sorry, I was busy." And that's how it's been for a month. Thor avoided Loki, and Loki just waited while forcing himself to believe that Thor truly was busy. After all, Thor loved him. Right?

The second month, Loki visited the restaurant where Thor worked at. Thor _looked_ busy, but he wasn't. He just took all the tables of his friends and paid them to hide and pretend that he was alone. Loki visited five more times then stopped. He also stopped texting. Stopped calling. Loki just waited and hoped.

The third month, Loki started to isolate himself. He could feel himself wanting to run away again, but he promised Thor that he would try not to do it, that he'd stay put. And he kept that promise because Thor once assured him that he, Thor, would never - ever - leave Loki's side. Also, by this month, Loki stopped going to his therapist because he lost the very person who he felt would never leave him, the very person who made him want to change.

The fourth month, Loki received a surprise present from his father (who he honestly yet secretly despised). It was a plane ticket to go to London for two months. It wasn't a rather exciting trip for Loki since he didn't want to go back to that place that was once home. He couldn't go against his father, though, for he was utterly scared. Drugs and murder, his dad was a criminal. And to avoid the pain that his brother went through, Loki knew that he had to obey and please that monster. He couldn't just leave Thor, though, right? After all, he's been crying himself for the past four months.

One night, he texted Thor. "Hey."

Thor, surprisingly, replied. However, it was the same type of reply that he has been receiving for months. "Hey. I'm kinda busy right now. Sorry."

"I just have one question. Are we over? I just need to confirm it. We haven't really talked in months." Loki pressed send and felt stupid. Of course they were over. No contact. No dates. No nothing. But why? Thor treated him like a prince one day, and forgot him the very next day. Something was wrong, Loki knew it, and he hoped and prayed every single day that something terrible was wrong, and that something truly was keeping Thor from seeing him.

Thor replied. "Are we?"

"I'm asking you."

"I don't want to be," texted Thor for that was the truth.

"I'm coming over tomorrow at your restaurant. We need to talk."

"OK."

+

Tony groaned as he stepped out of the car with Loki. Pushing his keys in his pocket, he dreadfully said, "I want steak, Loki. We are going for steak after this. Okay? Don't eat a lot. Go in. Fight with Thor. Get answers. Tell him that you're dating me-"

Loki glared at Tony.

"-Okay, don't say that you're dating me. Tell him you're dating Bruce."

Loki rolled his eyes and walked into the restaurant. As usual, Thor was serving a table. When he saw Loki, though, he looked away. However, he saw Tony as well and Tony was looking smugly at him. So Thor looked back at them. Loki asked for a table for two and was seated near Thor. However, Thor didn't serve their table. Thor didn't even talk to him. Thor just said one word. "Hi," and Loki has never before realized that he despised that word and wanted to burn it into the ground.

As they ate, Tony kept reminding Loki that they'd still be going for steak. Loki, however, kept saying no. When Loki had enough of Tony, he kicked the man underneath the table and smiled when Tony gasped. "Tony, we will go for steak tomorrow. Okay?"

"Tomorrow?" Tony accidentally shouted, "But you're leaving for England tomorrow!"

Loki kicked Tony again. That was supposed to be a secret, and he was supposed to tell that to Thor in private. However, a server heard, and that server went to Thor. In less than a minute, Thor came out of the kitchen. The sushi that he was supposed to serve was being served by another waiter, and Thor was definitely happy. He was standing behind Loki where Loki couldn't see him, but Tony saw that rage. And after what happened in the karaoke, Tony knew that he didn't want to get involved. So he cleared his throat. Loki didn't pay him any attention. Tony cleared his throat again. Loki looked, but it was already too late. Thor was already behind Loki and a few people were already staring. Thor cleared _his_ throat and Loki quickly turned around to see Thor glaring down at him. "You're going to London tomorrow?"

Loki cocked an brow. He has never been so insulted in his whole life. "Yeah, and what about it? We haven't talked in months, Thor."

"We haven't broken up!"

Loki stood up and pointed a finger directly at Thor's face. Dreadfully, he hissed. "Tell that to me again."

"We. Haven't. Broken. Up."

"Then explain why you're so busy to talk to me!"

"I've been busy!"

"Doing what?"

"Working and school! I took more hours, Loki, and my professors bombarded me with projects!"

Tony stood up and raised his hands. "Guys, we're at a public place. We can't possibly-"

Thor turned and walked away. It baffled Tony, and it infuriated Loki. No one -and he meant _no one -_ walks out on him when in an argument. However, Thor didn't exactly walk out. He went to the machine near the kitchen and put himself on break. He asked a female waitress to take over his tables and the woman agreed. After thanking her, Thor removed the kimono uniform that he was wearing and walked over to Loki who didn't move. He wasn't scared of Thor not one bit. But Thor grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the restaurant.

Tony was left alone by the table with a big plate of sushi and fried green tea ice cream. The waiters looked at him with questioning eyes, and then the people stared at him with accusations dancing on their faces. Tony raised his hands and said, "I played no part in the crumbling of their relationship, but I wish that I did."

+

Thor didn't drag Loki to the parking lot. He dragged Loki to the employee parking lot at the back of the restaurant where it was dark and eerie. And they were alone. Thor pushed Loki to the wall and pushed his hands beside Loki's head, trapping the English man beneath him. Thor growled. "Explain, Loki."

"Me? Explain? Explain to me why you have been treating me like nothing!"

"I've been fucking busy, can't you fucking understand that?" bellowed Thor.

"And what did you do for spring break?"

"Work!" That was a lie. Jane visited him during Spring Break.

"I don't believe you! You don't just treat someone like royalty then treat them like trash! It was a sudden change, not a developing one! Then, you tell me that we're still together!"

Thor grasped Loki's face, crushing his jaw, before leaning in for a searing kiss. But Loki didn't want that. He didn't need that. What he want and needed was Thor's honest passion, not angry rage. Loki pushed Thor away. Thor, however, was much bigger and heavier than Loki that Loki only succeeded in freeing himself from Thor's kiss and not Thor's body. Thor shouted, "You are still mine, Loki!"

"Then why don't you show me that, Thor? I've been putting up with this miserable loneliness for months trying to understand your busy life! Or more likely, your busy lies!" Loki's eyes glistened with tears, tears that Thor didn't notice because of the lack of light.

"Loki!"

"What?"

Thor punched the space right beside Loki's face that Loki winced. Thor closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Loki's shoulder. Thor was just frustrated. He chose Jane, he knew that, and so he tried to forget Loki. It was just impossible. Thor also believed that Loki would stop talking to him and take the hint that he wanted the relationship over. And Loki did just that. He didn't imagine, however, that Loki would come back one last time before leaving. Thor pushed himself against Loki's body and embraced the smaller man. That was what he dreamed of every day, to have Loki within his arms. He didn't imagine it to be that way, though, for he was crying against Loki's shirt while his whole body was trembling. His heart was even fast, threatening every so often to kill Thor right there. And Loki could feel every single heart beat beating against his own chest. Somehow, it hurt him. And when Thor spoke, it hurt him even more. "Loki, I'm sorry. I'm so... so... fucking sorry."

Loki cried. He was angry. Frustrated. Confused. And very depressed. He pushed Thor, but Thor refused to let go. So he begged. "Please, Thor, I don't want to hurt anymore. Please."

Thor didn't want to let go, but he followed. He let his arms fall to the side and Loki walked away. And he watched Loki leave with his usual light steps and his dark hair lightly bouncing. It made Thor smile for a small moment because he remembered how Loki took care of that hair. But he cut it. It didn't reach the back of his neck anymore. It was just short. And Thor wondered how long it has been that way, and he wondered how much time he has lost, and he wondered if he has lost his real love. Thor closed his eyes and refused to watch Loki disappear. It hurts too much. And so he slammed his back on the wall and slid to the floor whilst his tears created streaks of agony down his face.

He had been avoiding Loki for months, but that day felt as if his attempts finally succeeded. Loki was his no more. Thor hid his face behind his hands and cried. For months, he has been feeling as if he has made the wrong decision. At that moment, he knew that he did.

Half an hour later, Thor was still on the floor. He had an hour's break and he was dedicated to spend it by himself because, he knew, he deserved to be alone. But his coworker appeared and stood by his sorry form. Thor refused to look up, but his friend handed him a letter. Thor didn't want to look. He expected it to be someone from the restaurant asking him to get back to work, but he recognized Loki's writing. So he took it and read it to himself as the tears decided to run again.

_Thor,_

_I love you. That much you know. The past months, I tried to understand you and your "busy" schedule even if I knew that you were lying and hiding something. But I refused to ask about it. I wanted you to take your time and I wanted to respect your space. But I can't do this anymore. I don't think that I can keep my promise to you anymore. I'm running away again. Not to my friend's house and for a week, but to London and for life._

_Loki_

Thor hit his head against the wall and stared at the nights.

"Thor?" His coworker sat down beside him and tried to give some comfort. "Do you want to talk about it?"

A smirk painfully appeared on Thor's face. "Loki told me once that he adored the stars and believed that it was one of the greatest things in the world because it shins against the darkness of the night. It's a sign of hope, faith, and trust."

"Trust? I understand the hope and faith thing, but trust?"

"Yes. Because the night is beautiful, but it's so dark and cold. It's lonely and dangerous. But the stars, which shine so brightly, stay by the night. It refuses to judge it, refuses to leave it, because the stars trust that the night is more than beautiful and treacherous. The darkness of the night allows a certain compassionate freedom that the day could never give. And so the stars stay by the night. As you see, they go together. Light and darkness. That's their way of saying that things are possible if only we just trust."

The coworker leaned on the wall and said, "He has made you a poet, Thor."

"Loki loves everything that I once thought was boring. He has not made me a poet. He has made me love him."

+

The next day, Thor didn't go to work. He just went to the airport and watched all the planes leave that day. He didn't know what airlines it was that Loki was taking, but he didn't care. He just stayed there.

The following week, Jane graduated and returned. Life was back to how it should be, but why was waking up in the morning so horrible and falling asleep seemed like the greatest escape for Thor?

+

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://archiveofourown.org/works/2035428
> 
> That's the link if you (if you haven't read the original of this chaptered fic) want to know what happens next. The last part of that fic, though, is like a flash forward twenty years later. However, what happened in those twenty years will be written here. So, please, if you haven't read "the stars can shine again," which is that link, please read it because the next part of this one, "the stars can shine again - the untold story," will continue after... I can't say it because I might spoil you guys ^^ but if you read it, you know where this story will continue from :)


	9. Fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of those who are in love are fools

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't read "the stars can shine again," then I will kindly ask you to check it out because the first half or so of this chapter will have parts from that fic.... Although it isn't really the parts. It just... you'll see the notes. :) :D

**USA**

+

Naked, Thor stood up from the bed and sadly gazed at the woman who lay against his sheets. Jane. She was sleeping, her brown hair fanned beneath her head and against Thor's pillow. Her legs, slim and soft, crossed against one another. Her hand, wrists as slim as Loki's, rested against her chest. And around her neck was a necklace, Thor's very first gift to her when they were at the tender young age of seventeen. That was when Thor first asked Jane to go out on a date with him after having a crush on her since he was thirteen. Thor sighed. They were neighbors until Jane and her family moved, but they moved to a house that was just a few blocks away. Thor remembered how greatly saddened he was with it, but his sadness could not compete with the emptiness that he was feeling with Loki away from his grasp.

Thor put on his sweatpants and opened the drawer of the desk side table. In it were some packs of Marlboros. He took one and a lighter before going into the balcony. The stars were shining brightly but the wind was cold. It was just the way Loki always enjoyed it. How Thor always found it pleasing to see that man smile at the stars. There was always a sense of connection and a sense of freedom. And trust. The trust that Thor broke, but until Loki finds out, then that trust couldn't exactly be broken - right? That's what Thor thought. He's hurt Loki, but Loki didn't know about Jane.

Nothing was right anymore. Thor glanced into his room and watched Jane sleep. Though he was able to keep up with their love making, it didn't feel like he was _making love_ to someone he cared about. It just felt like sex. And, somehow, it felt like a chore because he didn't want to see that brown hair and olive skin. No, he wanted the darkness against the light, the raven hair against fair skin. Thor took out a piece of cigarette and lit it. Sitting down on the floor with his back against the wall, he blew a puff of smoke into the air. He used to smoke when he was younger, and he smoked every single day during those rebellious years of his. However, he completely stopped a few weeks before he met Loki. Loki, however, smoked. And that man smoked a lot when he was writing, and it was Thor who begged him to stop because it wasn't good for his health. Thor laughed at the memory. He took all of Loki's cigarettes and hid it, and Loki hid his car keys. Of course, Thor lost the battle. However, Loki did stop smoking and he told Thor that it was because of him, because he wanted to change _for_ Thor. Thor blinked his tears away and returned the cigarette to his mouth. Though he promised himself that he'd never smoke again, that vow broke the day Loki left for London.

+

One night, Steve was in Tony's apartment because Tony begged him to come and keep him company. Apparently, Tonse was "fucking bored without someone to talk to." And, as expected, Tony prepared alcohol and lots of it. Steve, however, rejected every glass offered to him because he just didn't drink unless if there was a good reason. Tony, thankfully, didn't push Steve. He did, however, insist that Steve play Halo with him. Steve, gladly, agreed. To Tony's surprise, Steve was much better than him. After his eleventh loss, Tony chugged a glass of scotch. "How the hell did you manage to get that good?"

Steve shrugged.

"Hey, something's wrong with you," stated Tony.

"Huh?"

"Your legs are bouncing," said Tony. "It's irritating. You do that when you're bothered by something. Spill. What happened?"

Steve took a deep breath and thought really hard if he should tell Tony the truth. After all, Thor and Loki were over. Tony, despite being talkative, surely would not reveal it to Loki. And two months passed since Loki left. Surely Loki was over Thor. Right?

"Steve!"

"I'm guilty, okay!" Steve put the controller down and stood up. Placing his hands on his hips, he sighed. "Thor called me earlier asking about Loki and he told me that Loki told him that he's not coming back. I couldn't tell him the truth because he deserved to be lied to. He's an asshole. And I'm an asshole because I kept his secret hidden."

Tony cocked a brow. "The fuck? Don't tell me that Thor slept with you and it's that guilt that drove Thor away from Loki?"

Steve groaned and threw his head back. "It's not that. Thor has..."

And so the truth was revealed.

Tony turned off the game console, chugged another glass of scotch, and grabbed his keys from the kitchen counter. He wanted to hurt someone, and that someone was Thor. Steve, who didn't want to cause such a commotion, walked in front of Tony to stop him. However, Tony punched the man, causing Steve to fall to the floor with a loud thud. "You can't stop me," said Tony as he pointed a finger to his friend. "Loki has been my fucking friend since we were both three, and his grandfather is one of the reasons why my father survived everything. I know that I have my own daddy issues, but I still love the fat bastard. And if it wasn't for Loki's grandfather, I wouldn't know you or my other friends."

Steve rubbed his cheek but he still didn't feel the need to get even. Instead, he wanted to put some sense into Tony. "Why are you angry? Is it because Thor hurt your friend? Or is it because Thor hurt the man you're in love with."

Tony bit his tongue and tilted his chin up, his eyes darkening as his hands clenched into tight fists. "I am not in love with that sorry bastard, Steve."

"Don't lie to yourself! Everyone knows, Tony! You're too obvious!"

Tony went on his knee and grabbed Steve's collar to pull the man closer to him. With their noses almost touching, Tony hissed, "Then there's no use hiding it anymore, right? Yes, Steve. I fucking love Loki. That's why I tried to work it out with him. That's why for months I tried to break those damn walls of his. But what happened? Nothing. He didn't want me. I wasn't his prince charming who had that super power to save him from himself and the trauma that his fucking parents caused him. Sometimes, I want to blame his brother but how could I? Could you?"

Steve shook his head. He has seen Tony angry and drunk before, but he has never seen Tony so furious that he'd punch someone. Usually, it was Bruce and Clint who resulted to fist fights. Never Tony.

"That's why I stopped trying. I failed and he refused to open himself to me. But I still hoped. I acted like his best friend, never letting him fall, and prayed every single day to every single god out there. And I prayed that there was a god because I wanted my prayers to be heard. But what happened, Steve?" Tony's hands started to shake as his eyes glistened with tears. "Thor happened. And I may be a party boy, but everyone knows that I get serious if I find someone I really like. And that's why I let Thor in Loki's life. It's because I was madly in love with Loki and Thor actually had that special strength that could tear Loki's walls apart. If Loki was happy, then everything's okay even if I would drink myself to sleep every single fucking night because it was Thor in Loki's bed." Tony pushed Steve to the floor and stood up. His hands, which he pushed into the pockets of his jeans, were shaking. "And they've been dating for more than a year, Steve. Imagine, for three hundred and sixty five days, I torture my liver. That's why I carry all sorts of medicine so that I could restore it during the day. You want to know why my dad cut my credit line?"

Guilty, Steve shook his head. He didn't know that Tony was struggling so much as well.

"It's because I hired private investigators in London to look for Loki's brother and tell me where he lived. Daddy found out because he checked my spendings and he never did that before. But you know what? They found Loki's brother. They found him on that night at karaoke. That night when Thor dragged him out of the joint. I found out the good news when I was on my way home. I was so excited to tell Loki about it. When I got home, though, I saw Thor's car and knew that they were in Loki's room. That hurt, Steve, but I told myself that tomorrow was a new day. However, that godforsaken good day, I was woken by Loki screaming my name. I ran to him and saw Thor straddling those hips of us. They were fighting," Tony sighed and rubbed his temple while Steve paled. "No, Steve, nothing sexual was happening. Loki just wanted to run away and Thor was making him stay put. Anyways, do you know how that feels? To have such great news for the love of your life and then see that? And when I was trying to open up the topic of Loki's brother to Loki, Loki shook his head and said 'If he doesn't want to show himself, I'll respect him. I don't want to look for him if he doesn't want to be found. My brother needs time.' So I never told him. And fuck time. Fuck Thor." Tony walked to the door.

"Tony, no!" Steve stood up and ran to his friend, but Tony turned around and pointed a finger at Steve's face.

"Don't. Just, don't."

"Thor lives with his mother!"

Tony slammed a fist to the door. "Well, anger gone. I can't attack him now." Tony walked to the kitchen and took another bottle of scotch. "I'm drinking myself to sleep again and you are drinking with me." Steve, who still didn't want to drink, actually accompanied Tony and drank scotch along with the guy. Steve passed out on the couch, and just before Tony fell on his bed, he sent a text to Thor.

_FUCK YOU. I KNOW THE DAMN TRUTH._

No reply from Thor was received.

+

**London**

Loki entered his room and threw his bag on the bed. Somehow, home didn't feel like home anymore. Though there was a sense of nostalgia being in the room where you looked solace for years, it just didn't feel safe. This wasn't the house that he grew up in. This was the house where he and his siblings ran off to. His grandfather's house. And his grandfather was downstairs drinking tea while his father was drinking beer and watching the TV. And his siblings were in their own respective rooms. And that's how it's always been. There was never a sense of togetherness. But before his parents separated, before the secrets were revealed, before his brother left him, there was. Loki shook his head at the bad memories and took his phone out of his pocket. The wallpaper, thankfully, was a good memory. However, it has been a painful memory the past months. It was a picture of him and Thor during that piano concerto. Thor's arm was around Loki's shoulder and Loki was smiling while Thor was sleeping. Loki shook his head and sat on his bed. The scarf that was around his neck was the scarf that Thor gave him, the keychain on his bag was the one that Thor gave him, and the camera on his desk was the one that Thor gave him. Loki clicked his tongue and stared at the sleeping picture of Thor. He asked himself "Why?" Why did it have to end? Why did things become the way they were? Why was Thor avoiding him? And why didn't Thor want to break it off? Loki looked into the gallery of his phone and went through the album "Thor" where pictures of their dates and their time together was located.

Loki went to bed that night with a heavy heart. The next day, he thought of deleting all the pictures on his phone, but he managed to keep himself from doing it. Why? Because he decided to hope and to trust in what they once had. If Thor was honest, then maybe they could make amends. Maybe they could work things through. Maybe. Just maybe.

+

**THIS PART IS EXACTLY WHERE "THE STARS CAN SHINE AGAIN" TAKES PLACE. LOKI COMES BACK FROM LONDON. HOWEVER, HE DOESN'T KNOW THE TRUTH YET. HE TEXTS THOR FIRST, THEN CALLS, THEN HE FINDS OUT THE TRUTH. BUT HE'S BEEN TO THE RESTAURANT ALREADY.**

+

Thor just finished a class and was sitting on a bench with his friends. While they were talking about their project, Thor took out a cigarette and lit it. Sif, who was sitting beside him, pursed her lips. "That's your third one in the past hour."

"You smoke, too," said Thor as the cigarette dangled from his mouth.

"I don't smoke like I want to die."

Thor shrugged and continued smoking. Then, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He took it out and stiffened when he saw the notification.

"Loki sent you a text message."

His phone was taken out of his grasp and he turned around to see Fandral grinning. "This is the man you were sleeping with!" Fandral's eyes grew wide. "I thought that he was in London? Are you hiding something from us again, Thor?"

Thor frowned and snatched his phone back. "Fuck no! He's at London. Whoever texted must have Loki's phone or something." Sif and the others rolled their eyes. Thor managed to hide Loki from them for a year. If Thor wanted to hide him again, he could've done so. But Thor was being honest. And so he walked away from his friends and checked the message.

"Hi, Thor. I'm back from London. How've you been?"

Thor wanted to scream. He wanted to call Loki and hear his voice. He wanted to run to Loki's apartment and hold the man. He wanted Loki. But he knew that he couldn't have him. Not anymore. Not after what he has done. All the lies he has made. All the times he has played with Loki's emotions. Thor couldn't do it anymore. So he closed his phone and placed it back in his pocket. Somehow, the roles have been reversed completely. It's not Loki who's running away. It was Thor. But it wasn't because Thor had trust issues. His reasons were different. It was because he was guilty. However, he knew one thing: he still loved Loki.

+

Thor sat on his bed and stared at his phone that was laying by his thigh. The past days, he has received a total of nine messages from Loki and five calls, all of which were unanswered. Thor sadly laughed. He remembered the time Loki first disappeared. He texted over a hundred times and called around seventy times all in a span of three days. All of which were unanswered. But Thor wasn't comparing. No. He was remembering. Remembering the memories and remembering the love that he had lost, the love that he thought he would never see again, and the love that he wished to have. But he made a choice, and his loyalty to Jane was strong. Jane was the one for him.

Thor fell asleep calling himself a liar. If he could leave Jane already, he would. But he feared that he might not have the enough courage to do it. Also, he feared that he couldn't do it after his efforts of avoiding Loki. He also feared that he was damned to be in that relationship with Jane. It was his punishment for hurting the English man that he would never be fit to hold Loki's hand ever again.

The next day, Thor called Steve asking to meet up that Friday night because he wanted answers. After talking to Steve, Loki called him. Thor gulped because it meant that Loki probably knew that he talked to Steve. So he answered. When Loki said his voice, his tears threatened to fall. Thor wanted to break down but he couldn't. He belonged to Jane. He owed Jane. And he didn't deserve Loki. So he said the words that has hurt Loki for months. "I'm busy." When the call ended, Thor's tears fell.

+

**THIS IS THE PART IN "THE STARS CAN SHINE AGAIN" WHERE STEVE AND TONY REVEAL THE TRUTH TO LOKI**

+

Friday night.

Thor entered the cafe Fantasie and found Steve in the middle with a hot chocolate on his table and looking through his phone. Thor frowned and walked to Steve. When their eyes met, they both glared at each other. Thor sat in front of Steve and demanded, "Tell me the truth."

Steve cocked a brow and cursed Tony for rubbing his habits on him.

"I know that you told Tony. And now Loki's here? Why didn't you tell me that he's coming back? I don't like surprises, Steve!"

"And do you think Loki does?"

Thor drew back.

"Exactly, Thor. I just came here because I gave you my word, but I don't even want to hear your name. If you're surprised that Loki's come back, can you imagine how surprised he was when he found out about Jane?"

Thor leaned closer to Steve and fisted his hands to keep him from hurting the man. "You told Loki."

Steve leaned towards Thor to show him that he wasn't afraid. "I did. What are you going to do about it?"

Thor pulled his hand back, but the barista stared at him. So Thor, his arm shaking, put his hand down on the table and said, "Nothing. I..." his voice shook with rage. "I deserve this."

"Good thing you know. Why did you want to see me."

"To ask if Loki was here but I got my answer when he called me." Thor stood up and left Steve, dumbfounded, at the cafe.

"The nerve," Steve whispered to himself.

+

Months later....

When Thor got home, he called Jane and asked, "Can you come over? I know it's late but I need to talk to you."

In half an hour, Jane's car appeared in front of Thor's townhouse. By the door, Thor was waiting for her. When he saw Jane looking at him through the windshield, Thor pushed his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt and prayed that things would go well for them. However, when Jane exited the car and started walking towards him, he swallowed. Things were not going to be good. He knew that. For six years they have been official, and for a decade they have known each other.

Jane stood in front of Thor and pushed her own hands into her pockets. She took a deep breath, glanced around, and asked, "What happened? Is this an emergency?"

"Jane... Can we break up?"

Jane stared at Thor, and Thor looked away. There was anger, surprise, and hurt in Jane's eyes. Though he wasn't sure what was in his, he didn't want Jane to unwrap the small strings that kept his emotions from creating chaos.

"Thor," Jane took a deep breath and asked, "Why? You tried to break it up last year but you never brought it up again. I thought that we were okay." Tears glassed her eyes. "What happened? What did I do?

"Remember when..." Thor clicked his tongue and shook his head. "I'm so sorry. I don't love you anymore."

Jane slapped Thor. Her tears fell and she slapped Thor again. "I hate you."

Thor closed his eyes and bowed his head. He deserved Jane's hate.

"Do you think that I don't know, Thor? I know about Loki!"

Thor's eyes snapped open and he stared at Jane.

"Yes, Thor, I know!"

"But... how?" He was more than flabbergasted. He wanted to hide inside a hole and be buried alive.

"Every time after you have sex with me, when you think that I'm sleeping, you go out to smoke. When did you start smoking again, Thor? Do you think that you can hide it from me?"

Thor's eyes brimmed with tears. He has made sure that Jane wouldn't catch him, but Jane was a smart girl. He should've know that he'd be caught.

"So I knew that something was wrong. I just didn't push you to tell me because I wanted to respect your space and I wanted you to take your time. But something was obviously wrong."

Thor's lips parted as he realized what Jane did. "You went through my phone."

"Yes, Thor! I did! Even if I'm the face of your wallpaper, I saw that folder in your gallery. Ha! You even put a password on it!" Jane stabbed his chest and Thor felt like a fool. He used the very same password that he has used for years. Obviously, Jane knew that password. She shouted, "I saw _everything._ " Thor turned red. There were naked pictures there of Loki, and of him and Loki together. "And I read his text. He's here. Have you gone to his place and fucked his ass already?"

Thor turned around and covered his face with his hands. "God. Jane, I'm sorry."

"He's the reason why you tried to break our relationship. Am I right?"

Thor, ashamed, nodded.

"I hoped that you'd still pick me, but I was wrong." Jane rubbed her cheeks for the tears have started to fall violently down her face. "Thor, I love you! Don't you love me anymore?"

Thor, hearing Jane's crying, turned to her. He couldn't take it back anymore. The truth was out. He cheated. He played with Jane and Loki, and this woman who has stood by him for years was crying. He could say that he still loved her, but it wasn't romantic anymore. It was time to stop lying. Not only to Jane, Loki, but to himself as well. "Jane, I'm sorry." He tried to touch her arm but she pushed him away.

"I hate you, Thor!" Jane ran to her car and drove off. And Thor watched her leave. It was over. He felt free. However, he also felt as if he killed someone. The guilt, the horrible guilt, pulled him apart as it mocked him. And when Jane disappeared, Thor bowed his head. His lids were heavy, the tears were welling in his eyes. But it was time that he let Jane go as well. He knew that he didn't love her anymore, so why should he continue to make Jane hope that there'd be a happy future for them? Especially considering that Jane knew. Thor blinked the tears away and entered the house. When he closed the door, he saw someone sitting by the sofa.

"Thor, honey," it was Frigga, Thor's mother. She looked as if she just woke up, and Thor knew that she heard everything. It was embarrassing that Thor turned his head away. He didn't want his mother involved in such relationships of his. He didn't want her to judge him, and he didn't want her to hurt because of him. Too many people were already hurting.

"Mom, I'm tired," said Thor.

"I know. I just want you to know that I'm here. I also made some hot chocolate for you."

On the coffee table were two mugs filled with Thor's favorite hot chocolate. He could smell it, and he knew that his mother was waiting for him to pick one mug and leave. Frigga wouldn't push for Thor to speak. She always gave him enough space to discover himself. Even during Thor's rebellious years, Frigga was quiet and she never tried to control Thor. She wanted him to see the world through his own eyes while knowing that she would always be there in case he needed her.

"Mother," Thor walked to the sofa and sat beside her. Though he was avoiding her gaze, he laid his head against her shoulder. Frigga, the supportive mother, placed her arm around Thor's shoulder.

"Thor, I want you to know that I find Loki to be a wonderful man. He's charming, intelligent, and very well-mannered."

Thor embraced his mother and cried. "Mom, I'm such a fool."

Frigga sadly smiled as she rubbed Thor's arms in a comforting way. "Honey, everyone who's in love are fools. And that's our greatest journey. Love. It's the hardest, sometimes the saddest, but it is what drives us to live."

+

It has been months since Loki found out the truth, that he was nothing but Thor's fallback because his precious Jane was in another state. He was supposed to be angry, but he wasn't. Instead, he felt sorry. He felt as if it was his fault, and that it was him who wronged Jane, not Thor. In a way, he also respected Thor because Thor finally made his decision and ended everything by ignoring Loki. It was difficult, painful, and there was no closure, but Loki still walked through the halls of his school with his head held high. He never did see Thor again, until that day when he believed that he was over Thor. Steve invited him to go to his church. Loki, who wasn't such a fan of going to church, actually accompanied Steve for he had nothing to do. However, while Steve listened to the preacher, Loki found a guy. And after spending the whole time flirting, the guy asked him out on a date to this fancy restaurant down the block. Loki, who was ready to move on, said yes.

That night, while the guy was waiting at the entrance of the restaurant because he and Loki were at the waiting list, Loki went inside to use the restroom. He watched the water splash against the sink in a rather stubborn way as if forcing itself through the surface then wiped his hands, rubbing the tissue roughly against his tender skin. He smiled at himself in the mirror. He pushed his hair back and smiled. It was going to be a good night, he was sure of it. However, when he left the restroom, his thoughts changed.

Standing in front of him, with his long blond hair pulled up and stark blue eyes, was Thor. They stood just mere inches from each other, their lips almost meeting in an honest accident, their hearts weary, their guts churning. Loki wanted to disappear.

"Uhm, sorry." Thor moved to the side and looked away from those glorious green eyes that could push him to his knees. He wanted to apologize, to grab Loki's hands and grovel in front of everyone. However, he was ashamed and still believed that he didn't deserve Loki.

Loki, too, felt ashamed. He was the other lover, and Thor didn't choose him. In Loki's mind, Thor made the right decision because he stuck with the real lover and not "the one on the side." Loki sadly frowned and walked away from Thor and towards the entrance of the restaurant. His date, who was still waiting patiently, smiled at Loki who, apparently, did not smile back. The date wondered if something was wrong, and he gasped when Loki grabbed his wrist and pulled him to the car asking if they could leave. The man asked if something happened, and Loki asked again, "can we please go somewhere else?" The man, who honestly was attracted to Loki, agreed but they never talked about Thor.

Loki and the man went on another date, and another, and they ended up on the man's bed. When Loki woke up, the man was making him breakfast. Loki sighed. He sat by the kitchen table and watched the man, who was shirtless and obviously trying to please Loki, cook pancakes. Loki, however, was not aroused not one bit. He didn't marvel at the man's arms, nor the man's toned abs. He just imagined that it was Thor. Thor who always cooked pancakes in the morning, Thor who used to run after him, Thor whose touch could make Loki wither with pleasure. This man was not Thor, and Loki felt horrible. He felt as if he was the one who was cheating. Loki simply could not do that. He honestly believed that he had no more feelings for Thor, but we was wrong. So, after breakfast, Loki had a serious talk with the man. Though the man was rather upset, they stayed friends.

And that's what Loki did. He didn't run away anymore, but he desperately searched for someone who could replace Thor. He would flirt with people all the time and go on dates. Then he would end it. Not by running away but by having a serious talk. It always made him feel horrible, but he couldn't stop. Even if he constantly ended a relationship, he constantly created new ones that he'd have multiple dates in a week.

+

One month before graduation. Everyone was working on their thesis and projects, and Loki was just playing around. Somehow, he mastered the art of time management wherein he managed to fit in school, writing, extra-curricular activities, work, and going out in his week while having enough sleep. For Loki, he was still acting normal. For Tony, Loki was destroying himself. And it didn't help that Loki often woke up crying because he dreamt of Thor. But Loki always managed to keep his depression to himself

+

Loki's alarm thundered throughout Loki's room that the man grabbed the clock and threw it to the floor. Loki muttered, "Fuck," and stood up to get the alarm clock which was lying on the floor. Thankfully, it was still in one piece. Loki placed the alarm clock back on his bedside table and stretched his arms up. Without thinking, he took his phone and changed his Facebook status from _single_ to _it's complicated._ Sighing, he put his phone down and walked out of his room and towards the living room where he smirked. Tony was lying on the floor with his eyes glued on the ceiling. He was surrounded by books and his laptop was showing a random downloaded movie which made Loki laugh.

"Seriously, Tony? You're watching a _Barbie_ movie?"

Tony sat up and glared at Loki whose eyes were as red as his. "Hey, I needed to stay awake. Watching a cool movie would work, but then I would not be able to do any work. And, mind you, _Barbie_ can get pretty creative. I now want to watch _The Nutcracker._ The _Barbie_ version."

"I'm not going to watch a _Barbie_ movie with you. Their faces scare me."

"Aw. The cold English man scared of some dolls?"

Loki, laughing, shook his head and walked to the kitchen to fix his coffee. As he sipped the hot liquid, Tony called out to him while he continued to type the last page of his paper. "Loki, it's obvious that you were crying again." Loki placed his coffee down and glared at Tony who didn't even mind to look at him. Tony even continued, "Forget about Thor. He's an idiot."

"He's also your friend."

"Correction; I chilled with him because he was _your_ friend." Tony made sure not to use the "b" word.

" _My_ friend? You guys once sang _Barbie Girl_ together when the two of you got drunk." At that memory, Loki smiled. "God. I should've known by then that you had a fetish for Barbie."

Tony glared at Loki. " _Barbie_ will be memorialized in the near future, just you wait and see. Also, back to Thor. I stopped talking to him when you went to London. His actual friend is Steve, and we know that they haven't seen each other since... _that_ time."

Loki rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm over Thor."

"How many guys are you foolishly dating now?" asked Tony in a smug way as he tried to concentrate on the conclusion of his paper.

"Three?"

"And girls?"

"Two?"

"You, my friend, have turned into a serial dater. And you turned down one guy because you saw Thor. Any one of those five who you plan to take seriously?"

"Yes. Myself."

"Ah, good answer."

A few minutes later, Loki received a text which caused Loki to curse out loud. Tony, whose eyes were on his _Barbie_ movie, turned to Loki and asked, "What happened?"

"One of the girls I'm dating right now wants to talk. I guess she saw my Facebook status update."

"Well, good luck. Either you'll break her heart or get a girlfriend. Congrats!"

Loki shrugged. "Another broken heart then."

Tony returned back to his movie. Loki was definitely back to his own ways and, honestly, Tony didn't like it. He would rather have Loki with Thor because Loki was at peace. Also, his heart could stay intact with Loki being love rather than Loki throwing himself around just to assure himself that he was important. Also, this new Loki was much worse. No more was he running away, but the games were darker.


	10. Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All's well that ends well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shortest chapter of the series~

Thor has finally decided. He needed Loki back in his life. And he wasn't going to be that coward again, and he was going to be faithful. He was sure. So he planned to surprise Loki at his graduation. But he wasn't sure if Loki was going to forgive him. Nevertheless, he kept the tickets to this play in his pocket in hopes that Loki would at least talk to him.

At Loki's graduation, Thor sat with the audience. He was hiding behind his shades and while he applauded at the speakers, he almost fell asleep with the number of people who were being called. But when he heard Loki's name, his expression lit up and he watched Loki go up that stage to take his diploma. Thor smiled and applauded. He has never felt happier than to see Loki achieve such a thing. Even if Loki never wanted to pursue his degree, Thor was certain that Loki was still happy.

When the ceremony ended, Thor looked for Loki within the crowd. And it wasn't that hard because Loki was always surrounded by his friends, so Thor was actually looking for a number of people instead of just one.

He saw Loki and his friends at the lobby. Loki, unlike his friends, did not have his parents or any family members with him. It pained Thor because Steve was hugging his mother. Tony's father was even present and holding Tony's arm in a rather proud and protective way. Natasha was rolling her eyes at his brother, and Clint was scolding his younger sister for wearing such a short skirt. Loki seemed okay, though, but Thor could see the sadness that Loki tried so hard to hide. How Thor wanted to go to him and tell him that everything was alright, but Thor stood still because he couldn't just interrupt while the family members of his friends were present. He even cursed himself for not thinking of such a possibility.

Tony took Loki by his wrist and whispered something to Loki's ear. Thor pulled his shades down and stared. And when Tony and Loki walked out of the lobby and of the building, Thor followed. The pair walked to the parking lot and Thor was trying to be unnoticed since the number of people have greatly decreased and he would stand out because of his height.

Loki took off his graduation robe and so did Tony. When they reached Tony's car, Tony took Loki's robe then held Loki by his shoulders. They stopped walking and Thor hid behind one of the cars. He was still too far away to hear their conversation, but he could see the proud smile on Tony's face. Since he was facing Loki's back, he couldn't see how Loki was reacting but he noticed the way Loki's shoulder tensed. Loki then turned around and tried to walk away, but Tony held him still. It was then that Loki shouted, "I hate surprises! I don't care what fucking surprise you have for me, but I don't want it!"

Tony shouted back, "Why are you always so scared of such things? It's just a surprise! What about surprises scare you?"

"I'm not in control, Tony! That's why! I don't know what's going to happen and shit! I like to be warned and told and whatever!"

The door to Tony's car opened and Tony's smile widened. Loki fell a step back. A leg came out of Tony's car and Thor stared. It was a man, someone who was as tall as Thor with blond hair. He had a cocky smile on his face and when he was fully out of the car, he scratched the back of his head. He said something to Loki but Thor couldn't see it. But he knew the man. It was Loki's brother.

Loki jumped at his brother and embraced him in such a way that spoke of Loki's fears. His fingers dug at his brother's back, his shoulders shook, and he cried. Thor fell against the car that he was hiding at and felt a mixture of emotions. He felt sad to see Loki cry, but he felt unbelievably happy to know that Loki and his brother was reunited. Thor smiled. But Loki turned to Tony. They stared at each other for a while, and then Loki wrapped his arms around Tony and pulled the man into a kiss.

Thor's world shattered.

He never talked to Loki that day and the tickets that he had in his pockets were torn and thrown into the trash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay~ let me explain. It honestly felt right (at least for me) to end it here because I think that a lot of things have been established already. Thor's mistakes, Loki's own issues, and Tony's obvious adoration of Loki and his willingness to do anything for Loki's happiness. And this fic really was supposed to end on a sad note.
> 
> And, I'm assuming that you guys read the original of this, the one-shot "the stars can shine again." Though over there it is mentioned that Thor follows Loki to Europe, I don't think I'm going to write about that - at least, not in this fic that is because I believe that that is a completely different journey of the characters' lives. Here, Thor ends it like this because he has been thru some shit as well. Though he did hurt Loki and Jane, just imagine being lost in such a dreadful dance. He didn't want to hurt either. He just didn't know what to do. And he fell in the last chapter, and he just got the energy to try again here but was clearly thrown to the side. He'll find the strength again and that's when he'll follow Loki to Europe. At that time, he's already developed even a greater strength/stubbornness (depends on what you think) to get Loki back. If you read the one-shot, it is even said that Loki called the cops and it was around ten years before Thor gave up. In the ending of the one-shot, Loki and Thor finally talk again and that would be twenty years from the ending of this fic. The ending is completely up for interpretation. The pair could be friends again, or something *ehem* might happen and they might fall back into their lovey-dovey relationship. Honestly, if you were going to ask for what I would rather, I'd pick Thorki. However, yet again, there's a lot of open questions here and a lot of space for the reader to have his/her interpretation.
> 
> And one last final note: This was based on a true story


End file.
